I'm Still Standing....

Man....

What a stretch of 5 months it has been for me...

Let's rewind shall we?

It's The last week of May. I am recieving what appears to be my LAST paycheck. Up to that point I can say I had truly been blessed. To be able to stay at my alma mater after my graduation and work in a position that was created for me by the PRESIDENT of the College...Doing the things that I love doing...mentoring younger students of color...programming...and being an activist. I managed to squeeze TWO years out of a supposed ONE-YEAR appointment. But it was seemingly over. The budget crisis hit us at the college hard and my position wouldn't be renewed. I would lose the roof over my head and the money in my pocket.

In preparation for this I applied to graduate school. Foolishly I took some bad advice and applied directly to Ph.D programs (without a Master's Degree). 5 applications and 5 rejections later my Plan B was down the toilet.

So I hit the cyber-pavement and the REAL pavement in search of a job. But the rejections came in one after the other.

May turned into June which turned into July and August. My fridge got emptier and emptier. I got hungrier and hungrier. I was rolling pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters to come up with the cash to simply buy some frozen french fries to eat and soap to wash with. I tried to keep smiling but when you are hungry it's hard.

My spirit and body were breaking down in syncronicity. I really began to feel as if I was being punished for my stubborness...my arrogance...my penchant towards procrastination. It was a spiritual Katrina. My reality was beginning to be washed away by a sea of negativity and indifference. And seemingly all I could do is sit and watch as it got worse and worse.

Every door I tried to walk through was slammed shut in my face.

Battered, bruised, and BROKE I continued to explore my options until, quite unbelievably, something positive came to pass...One of my co-works/friends was leaving to accept another position at another school and "I" would be his replacement.

What did that mean?

It meant TWICE the pay...

It meant double the apartment size (2 Bedroom)..

It meant that I had another chance to get it right.

So I'm here today in my office typing this entry...TIRED as hell...but a week away from the first money I will have seen in nearly 6 months. My body is still broken down from the lack of a PROPER diet. I am 5 to 10 pounds lighter because of it (which for a skinny brother like me is not good)..My energy level is extremely low..BUT...

I'm still standing and I thank the MOST HIGH everyday for the mental power s/he has bestowed upon me to continue walking, breathing, and being.

I had to be stripped of my pretentiousness and my pride before I could be receptive to what the real message was; That no one is immune from the tides of life...There can be no great gains without equally great losses. And the true lesson is not in the ENDS but, in fact, is in the MEANS.

I am humbled...

I am gracious...

I have newly evolved to a different stage of human-ness.

And tho I may have been a primary conspirator--however conscious or unconsciously--to my downfall, s/he who knew me before I knew myself would not concede to the plot.

I'm still standing and it's a beautiful feeling.