Truth Is...
The truth is...
I don't trust him.
We've known each other for over two years now...We've said some vile things to each other...There's been fire and fury between us from the very beginning.
After the last insult I pushed him away...months passed and the wind blew us back in each other's lives. Him..in a new city gettin that law degree--Me...In a new job awaiting the certain change that is in the immediate distance.
He and I have talked. He's expressed in so many words his desire to be in my life...to be the one...to be the catalyst in my return to love. Some days I am warm with desire for him and on others I am frozen cold.
Because...
I don't trust him--and I don't trust myself.
As many times as I have told myself that it's time to let go of the past offenses of others I simply cannot. I've been so used to living with my pain that the prospect of someone perhaps coming to take it away frightens me. I don't know what his ultimate intentions are. I don't know what else I could be missing if I say YES.
I'm crazy and I know it. My romantic attention span is laughable--and while I appreciate what he and I have been through I do not feel I have been given the reassurance that loving him would be ok. Yes, I know it's selfish as hell--I've named it and I am claiming that fact--But I don't think I have the energy or the life to manage another heartbreak...
I can't let go.
I can't be easy about it.
I can't just "let it happen."
I need some guarantees...not many...but some.
The truth is...
As much as my heart wants to love him...my mind won't ever allow it.
He probably will read this...and I am not afraid. I'll lose him, regret it later, and move on to a new object of desire-tinged madness. That's how my life goes and I am ok with it for now...perhaps only until I am affected again.
The truth is...
Perhaps I am here to be used for a higher cause and the sweetness of another in my atmosphere will only occur in moments--moments that God chooses to send to remind me of the faint possibility of a moment lasting a lifetime.
But if I know me well...and I do...
I'll just smile.
Say a prayer.
And move on to the next moment.
The truth REALLY is...
I am coming to terms with my own madness.
posted by Quaheem @ 1:52 PM
9 Comments:
Outstanding. This is exactly the place I am in and I can relate to what you wrote 1000%, thank you for this.
I like your honesty in this post. "I don't trust him. I don't trust myself" is a powerfully pure statement.
yeah, it sounds very sane to me ... it would be insane if you said: "we are perfect and we never have any issues ... just call us mike and carol brady!"
Yo man you are very sane. Just going back there so soon may not be a good idea. There is a reason why you are doubting a return. Follow that. I believe people change over time but a month even a year isn't long enough. I always say there is a reason why you X is your X. Be careful...
As far as guarantees, can you guarantee that you'll be happy without 'someone' for now or forever?
Being unaffected is sexy to some folk. if that's who you are then hopefully you'll get someone who likes that.
Everybody is telling you that you're sane but I disagree. I've read your stuff and you crazy and they all crazy. We all crazy in our own special way. Trust.
Ahh - thhanks for posting this - so many people can definitely relate!
Coming Into Reality,
-Jamal
You're sane because you recognize and understand what the problem is...although I sometimes agree with letting the past be the bast and any revisit will solidify everything that was wrong with it in the first place...but we're human and we take heed these lessons as they come...
"...to be the catalyst in my return to love."
I love that line, your words, and the vulnerability underlying them.
You have a lot to offer, Quaheem.
This is a marvelous piece... of art.. of yourself. We're all crazy... just downright cuckoo for cocoa puffs, but we have to be in order to live. Some of us are crazier than others... (those are the ones that scare us). I believe one of the greatest things I've learned in all my MANY years of living, but still struggle with is there are NO GUARANTEES. And that REALLY SUCKS!
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