Breathing is sometimes hard to do......

I had anticipated writing Part II of the previous post today....But I've decided to leave that stuff right where it belongs..in the past...

As I sit here at the present moment at this computer in this nicely air-conditioned office my eyes can barely stay open...not because I didn't get enough sleep (I got 9 hours)..but because my spirit is just TIRED...

The end of July is approaching and I have to vacate my apartment...My former job worked something out so that they can pay me for the month of June...but then after that I am assed out...The potential job that I had lined up fell thru..I still have not heard back from Columbia (but at this rate I am expecting a NO)...and my money is slowly but surely disappearing...

Everyone with whom I have spoken to has esentially said the same statement...*Keep ya head up...Things will get better..blah blah blah*...And in my soul of souls I really do believe that but I know as we speak the stress is taking a major toll on me..Example...Monday night I had a full on panic attack (think a less severe version of what Terri on Soul Food was experiencing as a result of her stress/anxiety) and it scared the shit out of me...YES there are folks going thru worse..MUCH worse...But it is a hell of an experience when you feel like you are not living in reality...The deamons of self doubt, fear, and shame will enable you to detach your own self from a reality that is multi-dimensional and co-sign onto an agenda of self-destruction...I see this very thing happening to my brother as we speak...And the irony is that I am the one in the family that everyone had put their confidence in but yet I am letting THIS setback begin to destroy a foundation that I have worked so hard to build and maintain. To my family I have been the ROCK. My question is "Who really gives a damn when the ROCK they knew begins to crumble; when the star they saw once now flickers with less of a gleam? What a crazy and unfair experiement life is....

I don't know where I am headed...I am just holding on for the ride...And hopefully I'll make it to the finish line.

peaceloveandeternity...

Quaheem