On: Why I Never Committed Suicide

Life is a struggle. A struggle between sanity and insanity, love and indifference, pain and pleasure, light and darkness. I have often wondered what has allowed me to remain here…here in this cruel cold place. All my life I have asked God only one REAL question; Why? Why does daddy hate mommy? Why don’t I have a family? Why don’t women find me attractive? Why did he tell me he loved me when he didn’t? Why have I lost everything? Why can’t I stop the voices in my head? Why can’t I just sleep? And it always seems that at the exact moment that I think I am going to get an answer the response is just more struggle…more pain…more frustration. And as I teeter closer to the edge and look to my left I see someone jump. I look to my right and see another person jumping. I look ahead of me everyday and wonder if jumping would be the answer or, at least, relieve some of the pain.

I sigh and continue to stand here silently as an actor…someone who has perfected the art of illusion…smiling to numb the sadness…telling a good joke to perhaps bring someone else the joy that I wish I could say that I truly have. And when the curtain falls I retreat with a drink in my hand and thoughts spiraling towards unsalvageable entropy in my head. There are days that I wonder why I hang on. There are mornings that I awake in my bed and feel exactly how I felt when I was 8…having cried myself to sleep and awakened spiritually fatigued...my face lightly moistened with the mist of last night's tears. People call me and I feed them my rage. One after the other they drop dead and, in my delusion, I convince myself that it isn’t my fault…But it is.

And so I fight myself on the daily...alone. Sometimes lonely. But always alone.

I’ve been kept here even when I have not wanted to be kept. And after seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, and years of manically trying to figure it out I can only come to one conclusion:

To fight.

To fight for myself. To fight for the freedom from my own mind that I rightly deserve. I realized that if my services were needed on the other side that I would have jumped and should have jumped along time ago. But the God that I know has informed me that my station is an earthly one. So here I stand. Broken. Sorrowful. Ashamed. Arrogant. Hopeful. Afraid. Resilient. Loving. Passionate. Guilty.

Here I stand. Looking for the Prophet inside of me and trying to fulfill the prophecy.

This is why I continue living.