A Hot Shower and an Old Friend...

Greetings folks...

As you can recall..a couple of posts back I discussed my issues with SEX and my incident with HARTFORDGUY...And I came to the conclusion that I was just not set out for casual, un-emotional sexual escapades...Well...I neglected to inform the faithful readers of what happened the VERY next day unexpectedly... So I am just sitting in my apartment in front of my laptop and I get an instant message from a certain gentleman that I have had on and off dealings with here in Hartford...We'll call him CTATL. Let's flashback a couple of months shall we....

*****flashback*****

So I am in BP Chat just chilling and being entertained by the ignorance and a certain someone from CT enters the chatroom. I check out his page and he looks alright. We eventually end up talking via the computer, then via telephone, and he decides to come over and chill. When he arrives I see that is OKAY...not necessarily my type (but I never get my type anyway) but workable. So we talk for a lil bit, things get a tad hot and heavy but it's kewl...the SHIT goes down (not the WHOLE shit but at least a good 3/8ths of the shit) and we talk some more after and he leaves...For the next 3 or 4 months our relationship proceeded along the lines of "friends-with-benefits." This was really the first time ever that I had been in a situation like this and not felt spiritually "dirty" for doing so...But I could tell around the third or fourth time that he was developing feeling for me that I wasn't. And I could begin to feel my guilt starting to seep through. When he would call most of the times I would avoid his phone calls (because I have the tendency to be manic at times). Finally I broke down and explained to him that I was going through some things and that I was sorry for ignoring him and blah, blah, blah...and I made a promise to him to be better...And at first things did get better. But eventually things slipped back into the same old cycle; he would come over late night, we'd fool around, he'd leave, I'd feel guilty and commence to ignoring him for days (sometimes weeks) at a time...So we fast forward to one fateful evening...

I'd been having homemade sour watermelon martinis by myself and chillin at my computer on a Saturday night..Just listening to some music and relaxing. At this point I had not spoken to CTATL in some weeks...So I decided to call and see how he was doing. He was at a comedy show when I rang and said he would call me back...Once he did call me back we made idle chit chat for about a minute and then he proceeded to say, "So is the only reason you call me is when you want something?" That statement infuriated me...He continued..."Yo, I'm comin' over, will I be able to park in the parking lot?" And I proceeded to inform him that I would NOT like for him to come over...I wasn't about to give that nigga the satisfaction of trying to make me look like I was simply using him. I kept saying, "Nah, go home...Don't come over here." But alas, he showed up and I let him in. The first thing I noticed is that he was insanely intoxicated. As he came thru the door he grabbed me and began kissing me frantically and passionately while whispering the phrase, "I missed you sooooooo much". Once he started kissing me it was a wrap. So as he started undressing next to my bed I sat up and watched him and then the MOST unbelievable thing happened...

He slapped me across my face 3 times and said..."Why do you do that?" "You said you were going to do better." "Why don't you call me?"

I swear to you....I sat on the end of the bed stunned and in utter disbelief at what just happened. The smacks did not hurt but it was the principle of the situation. As Charlie Murphy said so eloquently on "Chappelle's Show;" You don't smack another man. The only time men smacked men was in France when challenged to a duel...And even then somebody had to DIE at the end!!!!!!! CTATL is certainly lucky that I was not as intoxicated than he was because I would have beat his ass down to the white meat that night...But I played it cool. I told him to put his clothes back on and get the FUCK out. He proceeded to ask me why. And I just kept repeating it OVER and OVER again. Then he tried to guilt trip me by saying, "I was not sleeping with anyone else besides you. I really liked you and I always will." (FYI I was not sleeping with anyone else at the time either. I take em' one at a time). So he ultimately left and I cut off all communication with him. When I turn your page it's OVER!!...

***end of flashback***

So back to the present...it has been at least 3 months since I have seen or spoken to CTATL and all of a sudden I get an instant message from guess who!!?? Since I am at a point of serious reflection in my life I decided to be nice and respond to the IM. We get to talking and I tell him about my situation and he is telling me how he is about to move back down to ATL to finish up his masters degree. And he says that he wants to see me before he goes. To make an already long story shorter he ends up at my apartment that night, in my shower, with ME....All this happens and just 24 hours earlier I was feeling like the lack of passion in my personal life would never allow me to achieve an erection ever again... I feel a little bit like a hypocrite...But life teaches you to expect the unexpected.

I have forgiven CTATL for his little outburst and that made me feel good to let that go. I also told him as he entered my apartment that if he EVER pulled some shit like that again that I would kick his ass and that he was a millisecond away from getting seriously fucked up (as you can tell I don't bite my tongue). He giggled...I guess this negro doesn't understand HOW damn serious I am. So as he left my apartment the other night I asked him, "We are friends right?" and he looked at me and said, "Yeah." And that is all I needed to hear. My conscience felt clean and clear and I was able to look myself in the mirror the next morning.

I have decided that that night was the last time he and I will be intimate because I do know he harbors some serious feelings for me that I cannot reciprocate...So rather than get myself in a situation that could barrel out of control AGAIN I am just cutting the "friends-with-benefits" shit out...It just DOES NOT WORK...For me at least..

I am better than that and worth more...

PERIOD

Peaceloveandeternity,

Q