Tales of the Young & Passionless....
When I started this blog I made a vow to myself that I would tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth....
What I experienced last night was indeed a turning point in my life...a revelation of sorts...
As I returned home from dinner at a pretty classy Brazilian restaurant I plugged in my laptop and logged onto Yahoo messenger. I happened to see a person there who I hadn't spoken with in some months...We'll call him HartfordGuy...So I hit up HartfordGuy just to say what's up...and within the first 5 minutes of our conversation he proceeded to invite himself over. At first I declined; citing the fact that my place was a trainwreck and needed to be cleaned. He then said "Well you can clean it up...". So I proceeded to tell him to give me about an hour to tidy up and take a shower. An hour goes by and HartfordGuy calls and says that he is on his way. My place is clean and I am showered and dressed and he arrives...
Just to give you a better visual...HartfordGuy is about 5'10"-5'11"...nice thick and solid body..and he strongly resembles KOBE BRYANT...In my opinion he is just a beautiful specimen for a pair of eyes to behold.
So I lead him into my apartment...We chill out, talk, and flirt while watching South Park...We look at each other in between the awkward silences and we both kinda know what is going to happen...He begins rubbing my back, neck, and my ears (which happen to be my spot) and that basically gives me the green light...
So what happens..happens...(use your imagination)....One thing I will say is that we got to about 3rd base...And then it was over...As I began to tidy myself up a strange feeling of dissatisfaction came over me. I had something to say to him but I couldn't quite verbalize it...I couldn't look him in the eyes...I stuttered some of my words and mumbled incoherent phrases all in an attempt to explain to him how I was feeling. You see, it had been just about 4 months since I had been touched by ANYONE and over a year and 8 months since I have gone "ALL THE WAY" (and that record remains in tact) and I couldn't help but feel that perhaps sex was turning into a non-pleasurable experience for me....But then I thought some more and I figured out exactly what the problem was...
There was no connection between he and I...The kisses were not passionate and meaningful...the moans were simply sounds of carnal pleasure and NOT "sensually melodic"...I was not able to perform up to my true sexual abilities because I simply was not "IN" to him spiritually...Sure he is quite attractive...But I realized for the first time that attractiveness may get your dick hard but it does not satisfy your spirit...
I sat on the end of that bed feeling like I never wanted to have any kind of sexual contact of any kind..EVER again...I felt like a prude...I felt EMPTY..To have such a HEARTY sexual appetite but to simultaneously have ur conscience not allow to sit down and "feast" is both a blessing and a detriment I suppose...
As much as I have TRIED...And believe me I have...I cannot detach caring, sharing, love, and intimacy from the ACT of sex...
My orgasm last evening may have satisfied my biologically...but spiritually I felt like I lost another small piece of myself...Wasted my seed on a passionless conquest...
Maybe I am crazy.
Maybe I am not alone in feeling this way..
But until I find a righteous one...the RIGHT one...
I am seemingly young and passionless....
posted by Quaheem @ 9:30 AM
3 Comments:
WOW!
You have just said what many of us feel on many nights ex post facto.
I think we all come to a point in life when we realize that our emotional and spiritual interaction becomes more important than our sexual.
I appreciate your openess...I'll be standing by in the wings.
Qua,
You know this has been my prayer. For the brothers to find out that there is more to life than dropping it like it's hott and poking it like it's pork.
I mean, I am holding out. No more emotionless, spirit draining experiances for me.
I am down for getting a brotha to feel me completely before I let him beat me.
I deserve the true other half of my spirit. If GOD made me, than that portion is somewhere out there.
Let's unite in the struggle to find the balance.
As always in Parting,
I came in Peace and in Peace I leave.
It's a blessing in disguise. Just like I have found the one, you will to. And when you do, you'll find out that all that fuckin wasn't shit compared to what it will be with someone that is your true soulmate. Trust me, all that joking that Nick, Hugo and I used to do about the girls that we'd been with seems so distant and silly now. The experience that I have with my fiancee is second to none.
Sex is very powerful and is too often misused in society as a strictly physical pleasure.
Post a Comment
<< Home