So I am sitting here...not at work...listening to the hail come down outside. I decided not to brave the elements and go into the office today. I love having the flexibility with my job that I do...I am blessed indeed.
And today is another Valentine's Day. I do not have good luck on this day. I was cheated on on Valentine's Day. So everytime this day rolls around I tend to get a slightly ill feeling. And considering how my year has been going so far it seems pretty damn appropriate that I am sort of snowed in today. A couple of my good friends and I had planned on going to an upscale dinner tonight in celebration of our single/unhappily attached existences...But that is not going to happen until Friday. At least there is something to look forward to.
I feel as if I am morphing back into a similar version of the person I was about 2 or 3 years ago...bitter, jaded, pessimistic, sarcastic...I find it ironic that I am making that assessment of myself given the fact that some people have told me that about myself recently...Though they came to similar conclusions as I have, their basis for those conclusions seem to be unfounded. It seems like everyone wants to weigh in on who they THINK you are or what your problem is without actually taking the time to sit down an analyze the situation...And to be fair, first impressions are the most powerful so perhaps that has been the energy I have been giving off...who knows...All I DO know is that I'd rather struggle with myself than having to deal with some exterior "mass" of dysfunction.
I am realizing for the first time in my life that outside of being loved I REALLY want to be liked...With true "love" comes, in my opinion, obligations...responsibility. I have been in love with someone that I soon realized that I really did not like...I didn't like his personality and I didn't like to be around him. But I was already in love with him and felt the responsibility of making things work. I was stuck and it was horrible..."Liking" someone is the gateway to a healthy relationship. To love someone you actually LIKE is a beautiful thing.
This is our challenge in trying to love...
Like is the "means"
Love is the "end"
And I realize that all these years I have been doing all of this backwards...falling in love (or trying to) and hoping that I will "like" this person...rather than succumbing to the "like" and letting it carry me to love...
This is all too complicated at times. I pray that I have the strength to finally make sense of it all because without the strength bad things can happen (think: Phyllis Hyman)...
Anyhow...enjoy your day. Live to Love and don't Love to Live.
PeaceLoveandEternity
Q
