Wednesday, December 28, 2005

10 Q's from Q

I am currently battling this BITCH called the stomach flu...

I am determined to get well by the weekend so that I may hit the pavement in the City for New Years...I am almost there.

Either way I'll still be fly...But I digress.

In the meantime join me for a new segment on my Blog called 10 Q's from Q.

10 Q's from Q

(1) Why is "White Diamonds" the most HORRID smelling perfume EVER created?

(2) Why are they still showing commercials for "White Diamonds?"

(3) Has anybody else bumped into fellow Gay Black Bloggers on other websites? (i.e. Blackplanet, Adam4Adam, etc)?

(4) Isn't it hilarious observing their behavior there and comparing it to their Blog?

(5) Is anybody else turned on by West Indian brothas as much as I am?

(6) Wouldn't be interesting if Condoleeza Rice and Hillary Clinton both ran for President? Who would you vote for? (*sidebar*..MY answer..NEITHER..gimmie a third party candidate)

(7) Is it just me or has Oprah put PLANET EARTH on lay-away and will finish making the payments in a couple months?

(8) Isn't that government cheese the BEST shit ever? Kraft my ass.

(9) If you had 5 black people that you could ex-communicate from the race who would they be? (my 5 would be-Larry Elder, Ward Connerly, Clarence Thomas, Condoleeza "BROWN" Rice, and LARRY ELDER again!)

(10) Is it just me or is there just ONE song in the club that comes on that can make the HARDEST brotha have a stereotypically "homosexual" moment? What song does that to you?

That's it for now...

Holla at me. Let me know somethin!


Friday, December 23, 2005

The Spirit Works in Mysterious Ways....

If you've been following my blog the last couple of weeks you should know that I have been reliving the heartbreak and recovery from my last relationship...

I want to thank each and every one of you that has commented with insight, sensitivity, and concern...It has definitely made me feel like I am not alone (which is always a good thing)...


I got a call on Tuesday as I was laying in my bed enjoying my day off...I picked up the phone and the voice on the other end said,

"Whaddup Man"

I instantly knew who it was but I played like I didnt and responded,

"Whaddup...Who is this? Identify yourself"

The voice on the other end of the phone says,

"Yo man, It's L"

I was utterly stunned, shocked, appalled, thrilled, mortified, and every other possible feeling you can feel about a person you love and dispise simultaneously. It was the most ironic moment I have EVER felt. Why? First because "L" does not read my blog AND because the last time I spoke to or saw "L" was over 2 years ago. If you want to know what happened read my post "I Never Had a Dream Come True *Revisited*"

So we began to converse and catch up with each others lives when he proceeds in apologizing for how our last meeting went down...He then apologizes for how he treated me during our relationship and after...Needless to say I sat on the phone stunned with a large kool-aid smile on my face...

For many years after our relationship dissolved I prayed to God that he would allow him to see the error in his ways...And it took 5 years but the spirit brought him back to my feet ...humbled...and sorry.

I accepted his apology but also let him know that the depths of my pain REALLY didnt have anything to do with him but had to do with deeper issues that I had. No one person can MAKE you dive deep into depression. People, places, and things serve as catalysts for an eventual breakdown in a person who has been packing away pain for years and years rather than dealing with it...He mentioned how he was not trying to inject himself back into my life but he had to get this off his chest...I accepted his apology

I told him I love him..and will always love him. And I meant it

But love is never enough to keep two people together.

I am ecstatic because I have the closure and the justice that I have always seeked...

When you know that you have been on the side of right the universe will take care of the rest.

What a WONDERFUL day!

*cues up "Sweet Justice" by Jill Scott*



Monday, December 19, 2005

A Boy Named Jesus

A Boy Named Jesus

By: HX

Last Night
I made love to a boy named Jesus--
Holy Rolling
on a funky, anonymous mattress.
Climactic juices
squeezed from the vine--
and his stroke turned it into wine.

I loved him
but soon after
my advances were crucified--
and dick swollen with delayed desire
I touch myself--
screaming in Sodomite bliss.
I need him to come finish this


Boys like Jesus
just don't love
boys like me.
They just like the sway of my hips
and the sweet of my sweets..

But I hope he knows
A fuck on every 7th day
is alright with me.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I Never Had a Dream Come True...*Revisisted*

Nobody warned me.

Nobody told me that being in Love meant that there was a possibility of being left behind...

Left behind to love someone that doesn't love you.

Years and faces went by since that faithful, teary-eyed bus ride in which I promised myself that I was done chasing "L." I had probably talked to/met a handful of people who I attempted to fit into the mold of him...all with an ill result.

And then there was CIABoy.

I finally had come across a person that thrilled me. I felt a familiar flutter of my heart when I saw his face. I had finally returned to the emotional landscape that I had once frequented and thought I would never see again.

He was 5'9"

Skin like black coffee

Body finely sculpted

Master's degree recipient

The object of my instantaneous physical, spiritual, and emotional desire.

I alluded to how I felt over dinner one evening and he seemed to smile and passively ignore me. So the tension built. I carried on with my normal life...burning with desire...but patient.

Months went by and we made plans to meet up in the city to have dinner and hit the club afterwards. He begged me to go to Escuelita with him; knowing that I had a particular distaste for that place. He turned up the charm to 10 and I acquiesced.

We both arrived in the city and have dinner. There was no other place in the world I would have rather been than sitting straight across from him. We ate and drank. We both shared our graduate school plans. His motivational spirit turned me on. Life was good.

We jumped into a cab and headed over to Escuelita. We checked our coats, grabbed some drinks, snagged a table and began watching the show. CIABoy then runs into a friend of his who joins us at the table. He introduced us both, we shook hands and continued watching the show.

As the show ends CIABoy made his way to the dancefloor leaving myself and "friend" at the table to psychicly joust admist the awkward silence. Finally friend leaves the table to talk to CIABoy. Not too long after that, around 12 am, CIABoy asks if I would be mad if he and friend left the club and went home. In that moment I screamed "HELL NO" in my mind.

I looked at him without hesitation and said,


So I watched CIABoy leave with his "friend" after only an hour and a half at the club. Mind you, this was the place he begged me to go with him to. This was the same person I was feeling for. This was one of the worst feelings of Deja Vu I had ever experienced.

I attemped to stay there by myself for some time longer but the combination of sheer amazement and Grey Goose pulled me out of my seat, towards the coat check, and out of the door. I walked at a frenzied pace for 3 blocks to the 8th Avenue entrance of the Port Authority, found a corner, and just broke down. How many cheeks did I have left to turn? How many times would I allow myself to be disrespected in my pursuit of companionship? How many times would I be left standing alone at the altar of love? My legs felt weak as the bittersweet tears rolled down my face...

I wiped my face, pulled out my cellphone and began to make calls.

Call number one...No answer

Call number two...No answer

Call number three...I hear a familiar voice.

It's "L" on the line. I tell him the entire story. How brokenhearted I felt. How disrespected I felt. How used I felt.

He suggested that I get on the 6 train at that moment en route to Mount Vernon to see him. I resisted as much as I could and finally broke down and agreed.

It's now 2:30 in the morning. I am headed to Mount Vernon to see "L" who I havent seen since the last time I drowned in my own tears listening to "I Never Had A Dream Come True." I said I was done with him...

I was an addict...and I was relapsing.

So I arrived in Mount Vernon around 3 in the morning and he is there waiting for me. I entered the car and he looks at me adoringly and gives me daps. For most of the ride back to his house I was coyishly silent...stunned that I allowed myself to be sucked back in but glad that I was back in...So we arrived at the house. He snuck me in and upstairs to his room. We hugged. talked for a little bit.

And then it happened.

I had always regretted the fact that L and I had never gotten the chance to truly consummate our relationship. After we broke up I would lay in bed--on fire--imagining to myself what it would be it would passionate it would be to make love to him. And after nearly 3 years it finally happened. It was part "the-most-beautiful-feeling-in-the-world" and part anti-climactic.

We woke up in the morning and I had an ill feeling because I now knew that with a single act I had given my control away. He could do what he wanted to me at that very moment. If he wanted to be together again I would have said yes. If he wanted to string me along again I would have allowed him to. We got dressed and he dropped me back to the train stop. We said our goodbyes. He went on to work and I went back to Connecticut.

I tried calling. No answer.

We finally connected via instant messenger. I told him that I wanted to try again.

No significant response. Another slap in the face.

I realized that the evening in question was about MY BODY and not MY LOVE and that once again I had allowed that love to trick me into believing that things had changed.

Leopards might change their habitats but they never change their spots.

To the untrained human, love can be the sweetest, mind numbing, equilibirum shifting, massive emotional entity...And in the wrong hands it can be used for perverted interests.

The funny thing is. I still love him.

It just took me a long time to realize that I never really LIKED him.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Random Thoughts on a FRIDAY

Hope you all are enjoying the SNOW!!! I know I'm NOT...

But here's what's been swirling around in my mind

--On December 26th, 1999 we lost one of the GREATEST songwriters who ever lived...Curtis Mayfield...My favorite Cutis joint? "Right On For The Darkness." He was a gentle genius and still is missed

--This coming February will mark my 5th Anniversary of single life. I am considering a formal celebration...maybe on Valentine's Day (the day I was cheated on 5 years ago).

--Black music needs a revolution. I am so tired of the "up-in-club-poppin-Cris-pullin-hoes-whiney-voiced-manufactured-psuedo-soul" bullshit..What happened to live instrumentation? What happened to LIVE singing? What happened to interesting chord changes? What happened to music with a message? Are we relegated to claiming KANYE WEST as the only savior of Black Music? It is a sad day indeed.

--Why are Shrimp Ceasar Salads my favorite meal these days? (p.s. I make them myself from scratch)

--After seeing the new transformed Nelly I must say it's appealing but for some strange reason I prefer skinny Nelly. I have a weakness for skinny dudes (being one myself).

--I have come to the conclusion that George Bush does not have the intelligence to be the LIAR that everyone has accused him of being (he is nowhere near the sophisticated liar that Clinton was)...He is guilty of the HIGHEST levels of incompetence for allowing the true scoundrels and intelligent liars (Carl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney) run rampant.

--Does Bush care about Black people? Hell no. But he doesn't care about poor people, women, gays and lesbians, or muslims either. Join the club of oppressed peoples.

--Does 50 cent understand how he's cooning?

--"Moonbeam Levels" is amongst my top 5 favorite Prince songs EVER.

--It's graduate school application time again. Hopefully I'll get into somewhere this go round. I have a good connection to the M.A. program in African American Studies at Ohio State so that may be my best chance. Of course there is Temple and Uconn; both of which I will be applying to as well. And my boss seems to think I should apply to Rutgers since it's my home state and IN FACT is a very distinguished institution. (P.S. In retrospect I should have gone to Rutgers for undergrad. I was accepted and because I was a resident and POOR I could have went for free. But I flew the coop and ended up in Connecticut.) Wish me luck.

--Why is Puffy/P.Diddy/Diddy still attempting to produce (with ghost-producers of course) music? It's not '95 anymore Diddy. Hang it up and stick to making overpriced clothing.

--Grey Goose is WONDERFUL isn't it? I stay in constant possession of a bottle.

--I wonder what innocent trouble I can get in in the city this New Years? All I need attractive, classy visuals...good music...good drinks. The search is on!

--Ya'll remember "The Snake" and "The Wop?" Moms used to put on a 45 (old skool heads know what I am talking about) and make me do those dances for company. Couldn't nobody get lower while doin the snake than ya boy!!!!! NOBODY!

--Bilal's "First Born Second", in my humble opinion, is the best R&B/Soul album released in the last 10 years. It is CRIMINALLY underrated. I dare you to name an album better!

I think that is it for now...

Have a good weekend...

Love somebody when you get the chance.



Sunday, December 04, 2005

The Weight (Meditation #1)

The Weight (Meditation #1)
By: HX

The Weight
has transformed
an extension
of my being--
and now--
I'm crawling
towards a

I know now
is a manic
mental excercise
in futility--
But I keep on--
In circles
In faith
foolishly awaiting
the day
that I can cry again.