Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Random Thoughts on a Wednesday

Hmmm...let's see what's floating thru my mind..

--Shouldn't Pat Robertson be on the terrorist watch list given his comments about "taking out" Venezuelan President Chavez?

--So I am watching the Hurricane Katrina coverage on CNN and they spend about 10 or 15 minutes talking about "safety" in New Orleans and the looting situation (all while looping videotaped 'coverage' of black folks looting stores.) Shouldn't the covergae be PRIMARILY concerned with the rescue effort? Give it up to the media to "niggerize" an already downtrodden population of color who've just LOST EVERYTHING. Wouldn't you loot too? Where I am from we call it REPARATIONS. Hmmm, I wonder if White folks were looting as well? Maybe they conveniently lost that footage.

--The VMA's were quite possibly the worst award show I have ever seen. Besides Puffy giving himself a blowjob for 3 1/2 hours the performances left ALOT to be desired. If Sean Combs is the embodiment of what "The New Negro" is (check one of his T-Shirts from the show) then WE NEGROES are in trouble indeed.

--If I hear one more person call R. Kelly a genius I am going to SCREAM. No doubt, the brother is extremely talented and has found a niche. But there is nothing that challenges the audience in his work. When I think of genius one of the first pieces of work that pops into my mind is "What's Going On." You hear the cries, the contradictions, the anger, the pleading, the humanity. Though Robert Kelly has shown flashes of brilliance (think; "I Believe I Can Fly") In my humble opinion he has yet to challenge himself and his own beliefs/life on wax. A perfect example of this challenge is Gaye's "Time To Get it Together" (from, in my opinion, one of his best and criminally overlooked albums, "Here My Dear"). For R. Kelly to still be singing about hoes in the club given what he's ALREADY been through to me shows no artistic growth and is clearly emblematic of his non-willingness to make himself vulnerable artistically. His star is big enough at this moment in time for him to take that risk. So the verdict: TALENTED--most certainly...GENIUS--not by a mile.

--Isn't "Cookie: The Anthopological Mixtape" by Meshell N'degeocello just one of the best R&B/SOUL/URBAN ALTERNATIVE (or whatever restrictive label you want to use) albums released in the last 10 years?

--I have come to the semi-permanent conclusion that I will never practice religion in an organized sense ever again. I have had this disucssion with my God and s/he's ok with it. 4 years ago I just got tired of everybody else determining what the nature of our discussion(s) would be.

--Is it just me or is Oprah absolutely ANOTHER person out of makeup? Her people do a damn good job...Remember your spirit and your makeup artist...

Until next time..



Sunday, August 28, 2005

Can Flowers Grow in Darkness?

I can honestly say that this has been the most challenging, painful, dreadful, yet rewarding summer of my life....And just when I thought I had hit rock bottom...BAM!! A breakthrough...

3 job possibilities all sprung up within a 72 hour period...The most promising being at the very place/office that I had lost my job originally....

It looks like I will be gainfully and "happily" employed quite NOW...I can breathe a little bit easier and I can stop heart can beat normally...and I can gain back the weight I have lost (I probably have lost between 5 and 10 pounds due to the stress)...

So the next question is..What can I bring away from this experience?

Life is one test after another. We must be prepared for and aware of the tests that may be around the corner. Success is 90% preparation and 10% opportunity. 3 1/2 months ago I lost an opportunity and my lack of preparation made my life nearly unbearable. We have to take the time and get our minds, bodies, and spirits in a condition in which they can successfully defend themselves against the pandemonium that can sometimes define our lived experience(s).

Perception is reality...We have control of our emotional landscapes...Everyday is another opportunity to be better, to live better, and to see the brighter side (even if there is not a discernable one)...If we are willing to be flexible with HOW we percieve the world then our realities will be as easily affected..FOR THE BETTER.

Prince so poignantly wrote; "Nothing comes from dreamers but dreams/Sittin' idle in a boat while everyone else is down the stream/nothin' comes from talkers but sound/They can talk all they want to/ but the world still goes around and round"

In other words...We've all got to do the work to get what and where we want. You can sit and boo-who into your pillow and feel sorry for yourself but it won't change the simple fact the life and the world will go on. The more we just accept the fact that "SHIT HAPPENS" and get over it the more we can win. And though losing is a helpful and spiritually rewarding part of the experience, do not be mistaken; The God I know wants me to win. Perhaps the times that I have lost have been important lessons to a soul that was not appreciating the power of the GAME.

I am a walking, talking, breathing, divine creation..

Full of contradictions and completely conscious and accepting of them...

My faith is on trial...but I still believe...

The power of my belief has allowed my flowers to grow in barren soil and complete darkness..

A determined spirit will always defy logic...

Let's continue to hold on together...



Thursday, August 25, 2005

My Hope for You and I....A Statement...

Can we blow a kiss to what has never been
and hope that our lips meet
in the infinite space between??

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

The Sinister Groove (Kyle's Manifesto)..Written in the key of Darkness..

The Sinister Groove (Kyle's Manifesto)

When you've got nothing else to lose
Succumb to the sinister groove

Those whispers in your ear
that urge you to re-define control..
Those bittersweet pelvic thrusts
that temporarily compromise your soul..


Inside the beat lies
everything you shouldn't be--
There's the pain, the rain, the fuck you's, the ejaculatory misery..
The ooo's, the ahhh's
and a blonde haired bitch named Destiny..


I hope my breath
on your neck
burns like herpes--
Burns like you burned me--
Burns to death
like this once righteous entity


You call me crazy
And I call you
Cuz the crazy me
was what you've been
makin' me be
all this time--
Now I'm a lost boy
with conviction...
Thank you
for being my disease
for it allowed me to unleash the darkness
inside of me..


When you've got nothing else to lose
Succumb to the sinister groove...

Monday, August 22, 2005

10 Songs

Here are 10 Songs that are getting me through life at the current moment..

(1) "I'd Rather Be With You"--Bootsy Collins and his Rubber Band

(2) "Woman's Gotta Have It"--Bobby Womack

(3) "Disco Lady"--Johnnie Taylor

(4) "Luxury:Cococure"--Maxwell

(5) "Miss You"--The Rolling Stones

(6) "Anger"--Marvin Gaye

(7) "We're Still Friends"--Donny Hathaway

(8) "Bambi"--Prince

(9) "Starchild"--Teena Marie

(10) "I Wanna Take You (Higher)"--Sly & The Family Stone

Tomorrow: "The Sinister Groove (Kyle's Manifesto)" written in the key of darkness...

Until Then...



Saturday, August 20, 2005

Untitled (Kyle's Lamentation #2)

The Fat Lady
Sings off-key
As visions of
Sugar Plums
Drag their feet
across my soul.
This reality
has sold
my soul
a plot of ficition
and now
sleep is only
a temporary relief...
I feel
that this story
is ending slowly.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

The Power of "The Purge"

I can honestly say that these past 3 months or so that I have spent blogging have singlehandedly been the most rewarding and painful 3 months of my life....

Yet, I feel so blessed when I truly begin to think about it. Writing this blog consistently has allowed me to re-discover the artist within me that I had certainly thought I had lost.

Through this rediscovery I have been able to begin purging myself of the negativity, the sadness, the downright misery that has, at times, engulfed areas of my past...
I feel good in knowing that it is alright to be down and out of it because there is joy in getting back up and dusting yourself off again...

This journey in cyberspace has allowed me to come into contact with a side of myself that was tucked away, scared, and self-doubting. I can say that I have never been more honest and forthright about the nature of my existence...And it is the most wonderful feeling.

I encourage all of you out there, if you have not already, to begin purge yourself of the darkness of your past...Sure those things have been essential in creating the person you are today but tomorrow is quite simply up to YOU.

This blog will continue to be the medium through which my emotional recovery from the worst of life will and can persist...And it will also serve as the blueprint for my future triumphs and struggles...

Pain, like the many essential nutrients we ingest daily, passes through each of us and helps to facilitate our growth...We must accept that fact. Too many of us have allowed these pains to remain in our "emotional systems"...But the equation is simple; we either purge or die.

The choice is yours.

I know what I've chosen...



Tuesday, August 16, 2005

A Poem About a Bitch Named Michael (That I Used 2 Love)

I remember when

I let your love

Rain on my parade..

Your name

was the punctuation

of some of my sweetest phrases...

Now my soul screams it


You threw me aside

4 someone who could lick you better

And foolishly still I yearned

For your screams of passion...

I used 2 call you baby--

But now

You're just a Bitch named Michael...

Just another name on a turned page...

How does it feel?

Monday, August 15, 2005

Random Thoughts on a MONDAY!!!!

Hmmm..Let's see what's been floating around in my mind...

---So there can be talk about a Constitutional Amendment essentially banning Gay Marriage but yet no Consitutional Amendments that guarantee the right to Education and the right to Vote. Are our priorities totally screwed up or what?

---Speaking of the right to you realize that Black folks have only LEGALLY been citizens of the United States for 40 years (remember the Voting Rights Act of 1965, which, ironically, is set to expire shortly..if it hasn't already)...Congress knew what the hell it was doing back in '65 by assigning certain provisions of the act expiration dates...Way to appease racist Southern Democrats and Republicans alike...As tax paying citizens of the United States of America should we not have the right to have our citizenship protected by the very government WE are funding?

---Why is it when things don't work in our favor it's the devil but when they do work out it's just GOD working in mysterious ways? Isn't it ALL God's work?

---Can we start understanding that bisexuality GENUINELY exists. Can we also stop defending and condoning the infidelity-filled situations that some of our bisexual brothers and sisters get themselves in. YES, I understand the social pressures/contnstraints (particularly for black men of color) as it pertains to homosexuality/bisexuality that may lead some people into these situations...But cheating is matter the gender. I say we can all be supportive of those who are in compromising circumstances..After all, WE ARE HUMAN. But if we are to ever overcome the stereotypes of homosexuality being hedonistic and flesh-centric we need to start supporting and encouraging honesty and perhaps even *drumroll*monogamous relationships.

---If the Miami Heat don't win the NBA Championship this upcoming season I will officially run through the blogosphere butt ass naked.

---Can I, just once, go out on a date that includes a NICE dinner, somethin cultural (perhaps a museum), a nice long walk with stimulating conversation, and nothing physical? Can I make it to a second date? A Third? Is that too much to ask?

---Is there any excuse anymore for dying from cancer caused by smoking? It says it will KILL YOU (in so many words) on the side of the box. Are we a culture with that little self-control?

That's everything that is floating thru my mind at the moment....

Hope you are enjoying your Monday...



Thursday, August 11, 2005



Is Golden

When its Loud...

When I cried into the wilderness

You would not listen...

Now when my lips refuse to part

You remember

You used to love me...

It is too little

Too late...

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

The Sweetness of Realizing that It's YOU...

I had the pleasure was watching Iyanla Vanzant on public access here a couple of days ago...during her interview she said something so PROFOUNDLY simple...

she said: Life is on our side...Cuz if it wasn't then you'd be dead...

In the midst of my "down-ness" this summer I have continued to beat myself up about everything in my life that has occured (both recently and NOT-so-recently)...the breakdown and dissolution of my parents marraige and my sexuality...7 years of failed relationships..and now my professional woes.

In the silence of my room I layed, closed my eyes and asked God WHY s/he was doing this TO ME...What had I done to deserve it all? Why?...

But after hearing Iyanla and doing some real meditation about it all I realized that EVERYTHING that I have been through has EVERYTHING to do with ME and my perception of it all...

My God wants me to succeed...And living in misery is a choice that those who have not been given any alternative means of perception CHOOSE, because quite frankly YOU, ME, THEM, and everyone else who live there perhaps don't know any better...or maybe don't want to know any better...

We live in a world filled with potential adverse causations waiting to solicit an adverse effect out of YOU and ME..."It" will only effect "YOU" if one is in compliance...

I've let FAMILY effect ME

I've let FRIENDS effect ME

I've let LOVERS effect ME

I've let OTHERS effect ME...

When all the time I neglected to let the most important person effect me...ME

If God....The King and the Queen...created man and woman in his/her image then that means that WE as the offspring are KINGS and QUEENS ourselves. We are the rulers of our own spiritual kingdoms...The difference between thriving and destruction is our willingness to step up an wear our CROWN.

The process of assuming this control is long....for some it may take a lifetime. I realized that I have been placed in my current circumstances to be molded, groomed, and prepared to assume my rightful place as ME, MYSELF, and I...

Too many of us are continuing to allow people, places, things, and circumstances to interpet and script our humanity for us...

But is it not wonderful when it all doesn't matter as much anymore...and you've tasted the sweetness of YOU...

I've gotten a sip...And I think I may be hooked.

Monday, August 08, 2005

My transition...& The Suicide...

Well, it's official...Today I completed my move out of my apartment into a temporary residence not too far away....

Basically I have until the end of August to secure some kind of employment situation or I am shit out of luck and most likely headed back to Dirty Jerzee...

In the midst of packing and cleaning/throwing shit away I found a piece that I wrote some time ago...I always find that the stuff I write (be it songs or spoken word pieces) usually turns me off initially and when I come back to it months later I am moved in a different way by it...I suppose my work ages well...

So I found this piece that I'd like to share...

"The Suicide of Kyle Black"

Left to his own devices
he was fatalistic.
Shaped and molded
By a world of deviance
Bightly darkened
inside and outside his lines.
Lady Destiny
would see
that the trigger be pulled
in syncronicity with the breakdown
In slow motion
Bullet pierces skin swiftly
and wonderfully penetrates
all that lies in its way...
The countdown to purgatory begins
Breath is hard to come by
as pulse intoxicatingly moves forward...
Tears of ambivalence flow
with a pinkish hue
down his decreasingly lukewarm face.
His heart beats in whole notes
no melody-no harmony
just the beat of
the eternal tom-tom...
While slipping into grey
he wonders to himself
what could have been.
What he knows now
is what he will be
and darkness engulfs his eyes
with a passion he'd never known...
A single word infected the remainder of his thoughts;
"freedom", "freedom", "freedom"
The pain became pleasure
when he knew
it was close to being the end
and in the last measure of it all
he bent all but one of his fingers,
the longest one,
and fixed his lips on the letter "F"...
But before he could complete
his last act of defiance
it was all over
No beat...No misery...No worry..
While he remained the culprit
the catalyst roamed free
in the land of the living...
And before he left
he knew it wouldn't end with him
but, in fact, humanity was at stake...
He was just
in the end
another victim.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Random Thoughts Saturday...

I think I am just going to make Saturday my OFFICIAL RANDOM THOUGHTS DAY......

So here it goes...

--What is the deal with the drama? I think sometimes we forget that this is just the INTERNET. As somewhat of a rookie blogger I can understand how, if you are not paying attention, you can ACTUALLY get caught up in all of the madness. This is just further evidence of the ever present transition to the POST MODERN world that we are living in. ANYBODY with a computer can construct an alternate reality. Human relationships and contact are devalued in favor of this COLDNESS that we affectionately call cyberspace. Don't get me wrong people, I love and thoroughly enjoy blogging...but if it ever got to the point where I would actually profess my dislike of a person I've only had contact with via computer then I think that would be the time I would have to make my exit from this all. The point of this rant...CALM THE FUCK DOWN PEOPLE!!! IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS!!!

--Being the PRINCE fanatic that I am I have to admit that we wouldn't quite know his music in the same way if it were not for Rick James. Prince opened for Rick on his "Fire It Up" tour in 1980. That tour would see them fueding on and OFF stage. Apprently Prince lured "Vanity" away from Rick and all the rest is history. But think about this. Before there was "Vanity 6" or "Apollonia 6" there were the Mary Jane Girls. And when it came time for a Black artist to break through on MTV it was Prince and "Little Red Corvette" that got the nod. Rick was too BLACK for MTV. Without the MTV support Rick's career went the opposite direction of Prince's. To his credit Rick still tried to keep up (listen to "Coldblooded" and you'll know what I'm talkin about). But he could never top the success he had with "Street Songs". And more eye-opening than that, he couldn't top the racism of MTV and the music industry in general. As much as I praise Prince for his genius I praise Rick James for HIS. We miss you Rick!

--How hard is it when you want to love again but you've been so battered and bruised that it makes it seemingly impossible to do...So many of us have been emotionally raped. Some of us can recover and some of us never do...

--The pursuit of money has been, and will continue to be the downfall of mankind. Love and economics have never been neighbors.

--Does anybody else watch 40 Dollars a Day with Rachael Ray on the TV Food Network? Isn't that the SHIT!!

--And why is "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" the most informative news program on television? It's a COMEDY SHOW that manages to actually TELL THE TRUTH. CNN, MSNBC, and FOX NEWS should all be condemned to journalism HELL.

That's all I got for now....

Hope you are in peace....and if not..hope you are actively seeking it...


Thursday, August 04, 2005

We are The Rock N' Roll Children.....

I came to a realization on my birthday.

I don't need a man, nigga, lover, friend, or other...

What I desire is something somewhere right or left of center...

I am creating the new movement in my mind..

It aint black it aint's just multiple shades of grey...

It's about my two middle fingers directed toward the established way...of thinking that is

We don't create or follow trends...we just exist with style as the brain dead birds of a feather who flock together try to emulate what makes us smile..But they can't.

We've lived fucked up lives and in the endless pursuit of happiness we create a new reality by using the residue from our tainted pasts..Our imperfection touches lives...and saves them..

When mama blues and daddy jazz had some babies...they named us all rock and roll..

We are the rock n' roll children...

Superiorly unconventional and radiantly divine...

Fuck you and the box you are packaged in...I got a new bag

And it's all MINE...this time.

So from them, us, and me to "you"...since I've run out of cheeks to turn

Kiss my naturally gifted black ass

And feel your lips burn...

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

24....The Official Birthday Post & My Petition.

At 3:16 pm on August 2nd, 1981 God brought forth a life...

My mother called me her miracle child...

My father told me (out of spite of course) when I was about 7 or 8 that my mother wept when she discovered she was pregnant because she didn't want me...She said she wept because she didn't expect another child at 37. I guess I am her favorite mistake...

I thank God for sustaining me and allowing me to live for these 24 years, even if most of those years have been tumultuous...

I can say with certainty that on this day I cannot be totally joyful...My current bout with unemployment continues into its third month...I have to move because of it...the money has all but disappeared...Door after door continues to be slammed shut in my face...The walls feel as if they are moving in on me.

Person after person has given me the generic advice about keeping the faith and holding my head high...But the one thing that I have learned in my newly aquired adulthood is that one must OWN their emotions...

I cannot pretend to smile if there is no joy in my spirit...

I love God and I see her/him in everything...But what I have seen in the last 3 months of my life I fail to understand...I am patiently waiting for the revelation. Meanwhile I will continue to push forward in awe, bewilderment, anger, hope, and YES...Prayer.

So on this day; 24 years after my birth I seek the answer from God to a simple question...A question that is so infrequently asked in the church that it prompted me to reject the organization of religion; a question that seperates all human beings from other species in the animal kingdom; I ask you, The Almighty, Magnificant, Merciful, KING of KINGS, QUEEN of QUEENS...I ask...Why?

And I certainly hope it does not take me falling any further before this can be revelaed to me...I am trusting that YOU will follow through...For you knew me before there was ME...

All I want on this day is nothing material...

I want to rest without sleeping...
I want no more anxiety...
I want my feelings and emotions honored...
I want respect...
I want freedom from my incarcerated mind...
I want security...
I want love with sex and sex without guilt...
I want for ONCE in my life to be at peace...

This is my request.

My soul desperately needs the rest.