Tuesday, February 28, 2006

10 Q's from Q

Time for another edition of 10 Q's from Q.....

(1) Is it just me or is the Black Gay Blogosphere losing steam? Maybe because it is winter perhaps? Maybe once people start acting out in the summer things will get poppin again. I hope so

(2) So I met an interesting fellow in the club on sunday...Why is it that I remember the scent of his cologne AND his breath? Why did I actually call him back? Thank god no one answered.

(3) So I am entereing my 5th month of psuedo-celibacy (celibacy with occasional masterbation). Why is occasional turning into 4 to 5 times a day?

(4) Why do I have a newfound respect for Oprah after FINALLY seeing The Color Purple all the way through? She played the HELL out of that role.

(5) So I expressed my feelings to the dude I wrote about in my "Truth Is..." post..Why did he say I was just making excuses? Was it wrong of me to hang up on him twice after that? Another one bites the dust.

(6) Did anyone else hear snippets of Whitney Houston perfroming "I Will Always Love You" at the Winter Olympics? Is it safe to say that she is DONE?

(7) Why have I had dudes come up to me twice in the last month when I was out at the club and say "I want to have sex with you." ? Why is this DISGUSTING yet twistedly flattering?

(8) Wasn't it just a matter of time before the media got back to ignorning the plight of poor people and black people? Where are all the Katrina stories now? Where are all the telethons? These people STILL need money and resources. America's conscience is like Haley's Comet...You see it flicker past once every generation.

(9) I dont care for Puffy, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, or whatever you want to call him these days...BUT...has there been any better party/club song created in the 90's than "It's All About The Benjamins?" I get hype everytime I hear it...and if you DON'T then you have no pulse.

(10) Did anybody else boycott "Brokeback Mountain?" In light of all the DL conversation that JL King and Oprah brought to the mainstream why aren't the same people being as critical when it comes to this movie? I get the picture..2 black men "on the DL" (if you even buy King's definition) is the reason for the increase of HIV/AIDS in the black community (particularly amongst black women) and 2 White men engaged in the same behavior is a "love story." It might win an Oscar for best picture...But I'll pass on it.



Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Truth Is...

The truth is...

I don't trust him.

We've known each other for over two years now...We've said some vile things to each other...There's been fire and fury between us from the very beginning.

After the last insult I pushed him away...months passed and the wind blew us back in each other's lives. Him..in a new city gettin that law degree--Me...In a new job awaiting the certain change that is in the immediate distance.

He and I have talked. He's expressed in so many words his desire to be in my life...to be the one...to be the catalyst in my return to love. Some days I am warm with desire for him and on others I am frozen cold.


I don't trust him--and I don't trust myself.

As many times as I have told myself that it's time to let go of the past offenses of others I simply cannot. I've been so used to living with my pain that the prospect of someone perhaps coming to take it away frightens me. I don't know what his ultimate intentions are. I don't know what else I could be missing if I say YES.

I'm crazy and I know it. My romantic attention span is laughable--and while I appreciate what he and I have been through I do not feel I have been given the reassurance that loving him would be ok. Yes, I know it's selfish as hell--I've named it and I am claiming that fact--But I don't think I have the energy or the life to manage another heartbreak...

I can't let go.

I can't be easy about it.

I can't just "let it happen."

I need some guarantees...not many...but some.

The truth is...

As much as my heart wants to love him...my mind won't ever allow it.

He probably will read this...and I am not afraid. I'll lose him, regret it later, and move on to a new object of desire-tinged madness. That's how my life goes and I am ok with it for now...perhaps only until I am affected again.

The truth is...

Perhaps I am here to be used for a higher cause and the sweetness of another in my atmosphere will only occur in moments--moments that God chooses to send to remind me of the faint possibility of a moment lasting a lifetime.

But if I know me well...and I do...

I'll just smile.

Say a prayer.

And move on to the next moment.

The truth REALLY is...

I am coming to terms with my own madness.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Empty & With U


By: HX (written circa 1993-1994..The melody infected my soul and hasn't left. Dedicated to the lovers in the struggle...You will not be moved.)

When my teardrops fall
In2 time
Maybe then you'll see
that my love
was like the wind
so wild
so free

But now
it's all so empty...

"With U"

With u
There's no Heaven
There's just in your arms...
Cursed on 1 day
Blessed in the next...
And I'm satisfied.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Pre-Valentine's Day Meditation..."Me"

This Valentine's Day will mark my 5th year of single life...

5 years ago on that day I was cheated on...

Since then I've made every excuse as to why I have not re-entered into a relationship...

I've told people that I was waiting for God to send me the right one...that it just was not *my* time...that I just couldn't come across someone worth keeping.

But lately I realized something...That God had indeed sent me quite a few possibilities that I coldheartedly turned my back on. It was my time and I ignored the call.

I realized that I have been the only enemy...the only stumbling block...the only wall.

Who can you call on when your baggage has totally weighed you down?

Who can you lean on when you've burned every bridge?

Who will be there to make love to you when you've consistently NOT allowed yourself to be loved?

To every brother who deserved a chance and got nothing from me...I apologize.

It does sound cliched..but it was not you...it was always about ME.

ME wanting to have absolute control over the situation. But love, being a by-product of God's brillance, cannot be controlled--and as a consequence of my arrogance I remain in emotional solitude.

This is me falling into reality.



Monday, February 06, 2006

Technicolor Lover

Technicolor Lover
By: HX

A love-tone-poem pretending not to be...I dont know how I feel about it..But here it be

Technicolor Lover
underneath my blue
Here against my will
I'm drowning in love with you

Somewhere in the distance
Hell and Serenity
I felt your colors
raining down on me--
I danced in peace and passion
kissed your lips in the depths of my mind--
Beared my cross for 7 days
Now I'm ready
to cross the line

Time won't waste me
If you come take me


with our flesh
comes the divisions
rooted in their religion--
But you should know
I feel some kind of fire
about ya

Technicolor Lover
This space and infinite
I must admit
I want your rainbows
inside of me

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself....

My name is QUAHEEEEEEM!!!

And I am enjoying being ME!

I have returned to normal life after a restful 5 day visit home to the Garden State (New Jersey for you slow mofos)...I enjoyed seeing my mother...hugging her...laffin with her and the fam...I always feel so loved when I go home these days. My mother calls everyone and they make sure to stop by and pay their respects to lil ol me...Who would've thought?

And of course I made my way to NYC for 4 nights of partying--since I had been sick for an entire month I decided to make it up to myself in a major way...Here's a quick recap...

(1) Friday--The Octagon...by myself...Was quite drunk and I believe I ran into someone that I knew who was jokingly trying to convince me that he was someone else...When you are drunk jokes like that are NOT funny...But anyways. Cute time (6 out of 10)

(2) Saturday--My best friend's 25th birthday celebration--We had a wonderful dinner at a nice Italian place in jersey...then booked it over to Club Shadow...I hadn't been to a straight place in the city in a minute...It was VERY interesting. I have NEVER been eye raped by more women over 40 in my life. And place that is droppin old skool beats is GOOD with me (9 out of 10)

(3) Sunday--Escuelita--I found the energy from somewhere to get up and go out to Escuelita...by myself of course (was supposed to have company but I was stood up)...I can say that I have NEVER felt more comfortable in my skin as I was on this night. Left with 3 numbers...but you know how that goes with dudes from the club...BLAH. I was STILL "too-hot-to-trot" anyway. (10 out of 10)

(4) Tuesday--At the spur of the moment I decided to get up and make my way to the city for one last night of enjoyment before I had to head back to CT and WORK. A friend of mine told me about Splash so I made my way down there...5 dollars at the door...good music..relatively cheap drinks...decent scenery...I enjoyed myself. Ended up meeting another cutie...It's rare that I meet someone that I ACTUALLY want to call me...so I hope he can be consistent--But I aint holdin my breath...Life goes on...(10 out of 10)

This is the first time in my life that I can say I have TRULY felt attractive...

Even perhaps...sexy?

I have always had people compliment me on the quality of my mind and neglect mentioning the quality of my physical person ...So I settled for being smart and resolved that perhaps I just was just average looking at best (this takes me back to the first dude I ever messed with in CT telling me that he got with me because I was just average looking...since 2 pretty dudes could never be together)

But these days my skin feels tighter on me...my spirit is inching towards a place of balance...

I don't know what the hell is happening to me but for the first time in my life it feels a bit good. That doesn't mean that I still don't hurt...

But getting "over" in life is about accepting the fact that you WILL and SHOULD hurt and also knowing that you WILL, SHOULD, and CAN have joy as well...

I'm doing it my way

I'm beginning to give it to the WORLD in my own way...

And amidst the recurring tears the joy feels fuckin incredible!



P.S. Coming Soon....

Technicolor Lover
Somewhere underneath my blue
Here against my will
I'm drowning in love with you...