Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Thanksgiving Craziness...Tales from the DRUNK side...and The Jumpoff

What a Thanksgiving it was indeed. Since I never go back home I had dinner with one of my best friends in the entire world and her family (2 daughters, 1 son, and 1 granddaughter). If you recall from previous posts I call her HartfordLady...

So I arrive at HartfordLady's house and as I enter I hear VERY loud salsa music (she is puerto rican). She comes in the room in a whilwind..dancing and singing the lyrics aloud. I can already tell that she's been sippin that Bacardi select and partaking in some of the "homegrown." {puff puff}...

I was instantly glad to be there. The first thing I did was fix myself a drink; 75% Bacardi Select and 25% Coke. Sat my ass down and got busy. About 4 drinks later the dinner was done and we all sat around the table and said what we were thankful for. I ate a modest amount and went back to my favorite part of any meal...THE DRINK. Hours went by and we went thru multiple glasses of Bacardi and multiple CDs. Rhythm Nation...Sheena Easton's Greatest Hits....Toni Braxton...Al Green...And THEN we got to the OLD SCHOOL MIX. That is when the dance-off happened in the kitchen. Michael Jackson's "Rock With You" came on and I proceeded to demonstrate the "knee slap" that MJ does in sync with the synth-clap in the video after he sings "I wanna roooock with you." That has always been my favorite part of the video...Nobody can slap his own knee to the music like Mike...lol. I also went on to demonstrate/point out the triple hit on the kick drum that occurs after the bridge and right before he "goes off" at the end of the song (all you TRUE music heads know what I am talking about)....

Did I mention that in my drunkeness she convinced me to partake of the homegrown herbals? Good stuff actually...It just made things THAT much better!
**end of sidebar**

And then...We all lost it when "Candy" by Cameo came on. I had to yell "OWWWWWWW." I am indeed an 80's child to my core...Ironic that I was born the day MTV launched; August 2nd, 1981...Who would have known?


We all worked up a sweat and continued drinking until HartfordLady and I decided to head to the club and meet some college buddies of ours.

We hit the club. Met up with our folks. HartfordLady's lookin fly...Q is lookin fly. Everybody is doin it. I was in a different state of mind since it was a straight club. Get my two step on? Sure...But also just observe and be aware of my surroundings because unfortunately "niggaz" love to start some SHIT. But needless to say it was a drama free evening full of dancing, libations, and good spirits....BUT of course I had a complaint (which happens to be the same complaint about all the clubs in New England). They did the last call for alcohol at 12:40 am and flipped on the lights 10 minutes later...WHAT THE FUCK!!?? I was so heated I just didn't know what to do with myself. I was in a groove, feeling good, and then it's time to go. So I made a promise to make it up to myself by visiting the Octagon this coming friday. I intend to keep that promise. I have some more partying left to do. Life is too short not to enjoy it they way YOU want to.

One interesting observation I made about the club and most straight clubs in general are how brothas on the low operate in those particular environments. I caught a couple of interesting glares from a particular group of dudes...very masculine looking but a little too pretty to be completely straight...YES I know it sounds ignorant as hell but when you've been in this lifestyle long enough you become a MASTER detective...able to spot the slightest inclination towards a homosexual orientation...So yeah, in more simplistic terms, the GAYDAR was goin off like crazy. But I kept it cool; kept my glances under .05 seconds and moved on...just long enough to say: "Yeah, Nigga...I see you."

Wasn't pressed then...

Not pressed now...Just thought it was all so interesting.

While all of my Thanksgiving activities were going on I had a slight bug-a-boo situation. A young gentleman that I had some interesting encounters with and who had moved from Hartford back to Atlanta to finish his Master's degree work kept calling me...OVER and OVER again...He was in town for the holiday and I knew he wanted to see me. I also knew WHY he wanted to see me. So I ignored his calls...though I had to fight myself to do so. I mean, could I have used the physical stimulation? Damn right! But I decided in the end it was not going to be worth the emptiness that I knew I was going to feel the morning after. He's not my type at all...I actually don't even really find him all that attractive...But he did his job well so he won some points in the past...

But I realized some time ago that I aspire not to be a source of temporary satisfaction for a midnight caller...I need some persistent admiration.

I continued to hold out for the rest of the weekend. I let my voicemail greet his calls and went to bed truly THANKFUL that I could excercise some self control and stick to my principles. So me, multiple bottles of wine, and my hands kept me busy...

And I woke up on Monday morning...knowing that;

FRIENDS are beautiful.

LIFE is beautiful.


LOVE is on the way.

And I can drink to that!



Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The Resurrection of Kyle Black

The Resurrection of Kyle Black (The Prelude)
By: HX

I'm still a nigg(er)
when I look in the mirror
and it's alright with me

I'm that sweet kinda brown
that won't easily go down
in blood--

And the reason
you can't speak my name
is because
our levels ain't the same--
I'm Leo rising on the 7th day
and I know
you want this

You fucked me once
and didn't stay--
and God has been fuckin' you
ever since that day...
What more can I say?


That I am a living, breathing
of the you
that you choose not to be--
The love child
in love
with the inner child defined as

And now
I know...

Every day can be a tomorrow
if we choose to stand--
Every sorrow can be a triumph
if we choose to demand
the right to just BE.

So to you from me
I say...

My resurrection will not depend on
the strut of another--
My resurrection

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I Never Had A Dream Come True

Picture This...

Boy meets boy....

Boy falls deeply in love....

Boy basks in bliss....

And then there was the day...

His name is "L"...He was the one. I was 19 as I stood in the Port Authority on a cold December night and awaited his presence. I saw someone walk by that looked like him. When he doubled back he looked at me with a familiar smile, gave me daps, and said "Stop standing there actin' like you don't know it's me nigga..." I had all my luggage and was awaiting a connecting bus to Newark so that I could get home to Paterson...I had about an hour so we took the escalator upstairs and went to grab some pizza. I was quite hungry and did not hesitate jumping in line and ordering a slice.

We sat across from one another. He smiled and licked his lips. I nervously avoided eye contact. He told me how "beautiful" he thought I was as I continued to smile shyly. We continued to exchange pleasantries until I had to return to the gate to catch my bus. He satyed there until the bus pulled off...Two weeks later he affectionately asked me, "So, do you wanna be my nigga?" I melted...And what began was a brief love affair. He said he loved me. He wooed me.

And then it all came crashing down...

Via internet he told me one cold March day that he thought we should just take a break and be friends...Later that evening I called him and begged..pleaded...cried...tried to make every rational argument as to why he should change his mind. He didn't.

Months went by and I remained in limbo. I called every night and most nights we spoke. I believed in my heart of hearts that we were headed back into our blissful relationship. One evening he told me, "Yo, I have some good news to tell you." I begged him to tell me right there on the telephone. He refused. "I wanna wait until the next time I see you in person to tell you." For days I pressed him to tell me. I just knew this was going to be the realization of the dream I'd been having the last 6 months...I just knew he was going to say he wanted me back. Finally I broke him down and he told me. He said, "I'm falling in love with someone." My jaw dropped because obviously that someone was not me. I felt violated, decieved, manipulated, taken for granted...I felt like a fool.

For months after that I made weak attempt after weak attempt to keep L out of my life. I thought I'd finally hit my stride and moved on...and then my world was rocked again.

I was home for the summer working an internship. The money was good and the experience was great although I really had no social life. Occasionally I would hop on the 161 from Paterson and head over to NYC by myself and hit the internet cafe in Times Square (EZ Everything). This place was special to me because L and I had actually discovered it together. So one day I was sitting at a terminal in EZ Everything chatting on Blackplanet and I get a "page" (for BP heads you remember the PAGER?) from....GUESS WHO??!!...L. He says, "Yo, whaddup man...Where are u chatting from?" I told him I was in EZ Everything...He says, "Word!? Me Too!!" I could have died right there at the computer. We eventually found one another in the cafe and he convinced me to go to The Village with him just to walk around and waste time before his rehearsal that evening (he was a singer in a group at the time). He also informed me that he had to meet up with another one of the group members on Christopher Street while we were out there. He used my cellphone to call this person to make sure they were still showing up. In the meantime we walked down to the Piers (which at the time were still being constructed) and just talked. I had a weird feeling come over me. It felt good to see him again because I still loved him. But I also felt like a drug addict who had just relapsed. It was about time for him to leave so we walked back up Christopher Street to meet his group mate and there is where he dropped THE bomb on me...

"Hey man, the dude that is meeting us is actually my boyfriend."

In my mind I flipped....But I held it together and met the dude. He was taller than me...A dancer for Alvin Ailey....a singer...an all around cutie. And I had to stand there and watch them interact as a couple. He knew he was going to meet his "man" yet he took it upon himself to place me in an uncomfortable situation. As the three of us rode the 1 Train back uptown to 42nd Street I wanted to strangle him, bite him, hit him with some inanimate object. I had the familiar feeling of being the fool...

We said our goodbyes and I went to the 3rd Floor of the Port Authority to gate 303 to catch the 161 back to Paterson. I went near the back of the bus and found a seat alone. I pressed the play button on my CD player and turned the volume all the way up. The song that came on was Stevie Wonder's "I Never Had A Dream Come True." As the song played the tears flowed from my eyes like tiny rivers. In the darkness of that bus ride I had to come to the realization that my dream hadn't come true...I cried all the way home as I listened to Stevie testify over and over again.

I went to bed misty eyed that night...clutching my pillow.

And I haven't been the same since.

Saturday, November 12, 2005


I had planned to write a long drawn out diatribe about Terry McMillan, Oprah, and the DL....But it's been discussed to death...so..

God gave me something else to share...


By: HX

If Eve

truly knew

of temptation so sweet

she would have left Adam

for the tree...

I want to be tempted to love again...but there is a vacany by my side, in my bed, in my life...I need a beautiful distraction from the grind of time...What can be done when one surpasses lonliness and inches towards indifference?

Sunday, November 06, 2005



Written By: HX

Written in a Vodka-induced moment of anger at the fucked-upness of humaness as affected by HUMANS...I will not take responsibility for how bad/good you think it is...I only care about giving birth at this point in time....

This World


Fucked up...

I feel like


Faggot up

Nigger down

Gimmie a light

I'm burnin

The house...

Eve's a bitch


Adam too

and now

That you know--can you tell me

What's sexy to you?

Is it dicks

and pussies

or Benjamin's green

or maybe whips and chains

and ships are your scene...

This World


Fucked up...

and I

feel like


Thursday, November 03, 2005

Random Thoughts on a THURSDAY...

Hmmm..What a nice day it is today...Almost forgot it's November...

Let's see...

--I picked up Stevie Wonder's new joint "A Time To Love." I am a BIG Stevie Fan..I mean, TALKING BOOK, INNERVISIONS, FULFILLINGNESS' FIRST FINALE, SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE, and the list goes on and on. To be honest I was afraid of what I was gonna hear...I mean such geniuses at times can get so caught up in their own nostalgia that they begin to simply becomes imitations of themselves...But "A Time To Love" is as focused an album as I have heard in a VERY long time. He's singing his ass off, playing damn near all the instruments (keys, drums and assorted percussion), and STILL writing incredible melodies after all this time. As much of a Prince fanatic I am I can't help but to think that "A Time To Love" has a sense of urgency that Prince's "comeback" record, "Musicology", didnt (athough there are stellar moments on that record as well..see the title track, "Call My Name"and, "On The Couch") . So Stevie gets 4 stars from me. BUY THIS RECORD!!! Period.

--Why am I seriously considering goin back to NYC tomorrow for another night out? Should be interesting..

--Kenneth Cole "Signature" is officially my favorite cologne.

--So I am re-applying to graduate school...Ohio State and Temple are on the list (MA Program in African American Studies)...Gotta find some more places to apply to. I miss being in a classroom. There is nothing like intellectualism in the Academy; though the parochialism and institutional racism, sexism, classism, and homophobia I can do without..But it's America so we either MANAGE it or die.

--In my opinion "Simply Beautiful" by Al Green ranks as one of the greatest songs/moments in Black Music EVER. I've never heard a vocal before or since that was so SOULFULLY restrained.

--Was it me or did John Legend BUTCHER "A House Is Not A Home."? His raspy, I-Need-Some-Tussin-Cold N' Cough, baritone just could not pull it off. He sounds good singing his own songs. AND why did Alicia Keys refer to Rosa Parks as "Unbreakable" before she went into the song which, ironically, begins; "We can fight like Ike and Tina"? I say...IGNORANCE!

--Where is the romance? I need to find some? You know...like a lunchtime phonecall at work or rose petals in bathwater, scented candles, dim lighting, and "Maxwell's Urban Hang Suite" on the stereo...WHERE OH WHERE COULD YOU BE???!!!!

--Isn't it about time for another BLACK OWNED cable network to pop up? One with substance and an interest in contributing to the advancement of black culture. Maybe a little competition would make BET finally get it's act together.

--And yeah, it's official....NELLY has been drinking milk.

That is all for now...

Get at ya boy...