Monday, June 26, 2006

Growing Up

So I decided to go out this past Friday since there would be a lot of activity because of the NYC Pride festivities...

I hadn't been out since the first week in May when I got REALLY sick...And it all began great.

I met my friend on the pier...She and I were roomates in my junior year of college. She had a boyfriend then and NOW she is engaged to be married to a woman...OH how times change but they are happy together. Actually her fiance is an alum of the college as well. They graduated in the same year and got together. It's a love story. I hope all is lets me know that all hope is not gone.

But anyway, I digress.

I met my friend in The Village and we walked along the pier for a second and then decided to go down to Uno's in the area where her fiance bartends and have a couple of drinks there while she was finishing up work. So we did that and we had a good time. I have never been an establishment where the entire staff seemed to be gay...It was a sight to see. I met a cute jamaican guy with dreads. When were introduced he didn't shake my hand or look me in the eyes. I really thought he didn't like me. Well when we left I was told..."You know ______ asked about you?" I was shocked. Needless to say I passed my number along and he's called twice. He is a real estate agent full time, owns a home, is 31....I LIKE. We'll see where it goes.

When we all left Uno's we went back to the pier and sat for like 30 minutes and talked. It was kewl. By the time I knew it it was after 12 and time to go to the club...GOD wasn't that interesting....

First of all I decided to go to The Playground. I hadn't been there in months since it reopened so it seemed like a logical choice. All I had was my bookbag which had my umbrella, return ticket on greyhound to CT, and my CD Player. To my surprise there was NO coatcheck in the club so I had to keep my bookbag with me. Luckily it was one of those black, gap bags so it went with the outfit I was wearing. So I go in and go straight to the bar and the place over time fills up...But I felt like a fish out of water...I was just observing the majority of clubgoers sporting the THUG look (which I affectionately call thug drag...because it is) and I just realized that I have grown out of this particular environment. To tell you the truth I would prefer a lounge which nice seating, nice music, nice drinks, and moderately crowded. I saw many familiar faces who either didn't notice me or didn't speak. All I could do is shake my head. I mean if I find someone attractive their face is FOREVER etched in my memory bank...but apparently everybody is not like me.

Basically I say this to say that I am over the New York club scene. It's tired. When I was 21 I would have had no problem with the thug drag and a packed club...But a month away from my 25th birthday I realized that it just ain't my scene anymore. Maybe I am just weird. Maybe I just think too damn much. Or maybe it's that I am growing up.

The only thing I know is that it will be a long time before I go to a gay club in New York again. I leave that to the "fabulous" others.

There has to be more out there.

I do certainly hope to talk to the jamaican fellow I've befriended. It is very rare that I come across a person and the attraction is mutual. So maybe it's hopeful wishing but dammit I deserve something and someone that will work out for me.

In bad news, I kinda seriously cut my left thumb last night cooking dinner and as I ran to the bathroom a bloody mess I realized that I had run out of band aids. So I went and knocked on the neighbor's door on the 2nd floor. The neighbor's husband came to the door. I stood there holding my bloody thumb in toilet tissue and explained to him that I needed a band aid because I had run out of them. He peeked from behind the door and politely told me he didn't have any and that was the end of our coversation. I eventually found a first aid kit from the Campus Safety Office (I do reside on campus here) and was able to clean it up and bandage it. When I got myself settled I really thought about how shady it was that the neighbor didn't try to help the situation any. I mean he could have been out of band aids but if someone had cut themselves and was bleeding I would let them in and make sure they are ok. But everybody is not me. I just hope they don't need anything from me soon....CUZ I DONT HAVE IT! Yes, yes you might be saying that I should take the high road with this one...

FUCK THAT! Sometimes the principle of a particular situation means that you have to make an unpopular decision.

You give what you get..Point blank.

Hey, the low road ain't as glamorous as the high road but sometimes the shit feels good.

Next Post: "I Been In Love Before and It Hurt So Bad".... a poem/song

Friday, June 16, 2006

Yes I am Crazy (A Post About me Owning It)

Yes I am crazy...

Yes I am different..

Yes I am moody...

Yes I am an asshole at times...

Yes I am eccentric...

I came to this realization this year when I really examined the question as to why I have been single for so damn long. Then it dawned on me. Besides the standard "I have issues" drama I learned that as a human being I think quite differently than most of the people I have romantically dealt with. I am most at home with intellectual people who have determined in thier own lives that they are comfortable living as a mental, spiritual, and physical outlier to all the madness that the world has to offer...

I recently learned of someone's religious beliefs who is quite attracted to me. And for all intensive prposes I was attracted to him to but then we got on the discussion of my recent tarot card reading. He told me that the Bible is clear on the subjects of psychic and readers. I told him that I was a believer and that there are BAD psychics and GOOD psychics. A GOOD reading from a person with "psychic ability" will tell you things about your life that you already know..In a way it is spiritual confirmation. I explained to him that I believe that there are people out there that God has blessed with the ability to have vision beyond this worldly sphere. He disagreed citing The Bible. I said it was foolish of him to ASSUME that The Bible was the un- altered word of God since it was authored by man and could have been changed at any point in history to serve the political, economic, and social interest of the ruling CHRISTIAN Class. He scoffed at me. I then asked him if he thought homosexuality was an abomination... He agreed. I asked him if he belived that he could be "delivered" from it...He agreed and then went on to say he wanted a family and wanted to be married. So what was I? Was his his flavor of the month? Needless to say that conversation was quite enlightening and I have since left him alone. I have come to the point in my life that if it is a choice of going to the Heaven that Holy Rollers talk about going to or the Hell they always condemn us too I would choose Hell. I wouldn't want to spend an eternity worshipping a "selective" God so that would make my choice easy.

I also recently found out that someone I really care about is a Republican. So he and I go into an in-depth argument about the state of Black America. He went on about what Black people need to do for themselves... And for the most part I agreed. But then the sociologist in me couldn't help but analyze institutions and systems of inequality that have dramatically limited the opportunities of young black urban youth. So essentially we were agreeing but I was saying: "What about institutions in our society that make it easier for Black people than White people to be nihilistic?" But needless to say I was disappointed. I am disappointed these days in anyone that has a BLIND allegiance with one of the two dominant political parties.

I say all this to say..They call me crazy but I just think differently...I don't take for granted what I see or what I hear. This is true for my personal relationships and other things/events in my environment that could shape my point of view.

When your destiny is to affect people, places, and things in a major way people satisfied in their normalcy will call you crazy...and hey...I might just be. I'll ask the therapist I am going to soon if I am.

I just hope in my journey I can bump into another crazy person and it can be happily ever after.

Thursday, June 08, 2006


It was approximately a year ago that I decided to take this journey...this journey would be defined by sharing my most innermost thoughts and emotions with an audience. I can say that this blog has been the most theraputic elements in my life to come along in a long time. I don't have many people to talk a matter of fact, I don't trust many people with the facts of my many will abuse the power of knowledge that you have given I shut it down. But when it comes to this blog, I feel a sense of security by it's quasi-anonomous nature. Very few people KNOW me and therefore a judgement informed (or perhaps ill informed) by the context of my real life is hard to come all just know what I choose to share...and most of the feedback is of a positive nature. I know I have not been blogging much recently but I am not in the business of forcing a blog entry these days. It has to happen naturally. When life "happens" to me you will know. Perhaps life has not been "happening" to me as much as it can at this moment...but seasons change and I hope to celebrate another year here (on August 2nd it will be my 25th..YAY!). So for everyone who has taken an interest (however minor) in the happenings of my life I say THANK YOU and KEEP READING!

Anyways, I got back from Orlando last saturday after spending Memorial Day weekend and the following week there with HartfordLady, her two daughters, her son, and her granddaughter. I had never been to Disney before so that was kewl. We even took some timeshare tours to get discounted tickets to Universal Studios and Disney. The moment of the trip is when I had to pretend to be engaged to HartfordLady's daughter so that we could get the Universal tickets. I was 24 (which I am) and she was 22 (she is really 18). We definitely had to use some acting skills there. But we got 6 tickets for 194 dollars as opposed to nearly 400 dollars. It was rough when the guys dropped the overall price of the timeshare 11,000 dollars for us and the monthly peyments went dramatically down but luckily I had my future wife there to remind me that we were saving for our it makes me think that if they can drop the price so dramatically that it was never that expensive in the first place. Whenever I buy a car I need someone to accompany me.

But anyways, we got some sun and I got a tan (it was wickedly hot) and I got the much needed rest and relaxation that I needed. It is just me or did every homosexual go to Miami. I was tellin people I was goin to FL for a week and the first respone was "Miami?" I needed a break from the drama of homosexual events...Orlando was cool. I would not mind returning. As for the remainder of the summer, I am looking to take another vacation around the 4th of July maybe... or maybe Vegas for my birthday in August. Who knows....I am enjoying my newfound freedom. Shit I got the money, the time, and no commitments to anyone..why NOT go. Life is way too short.

As for my health... the recovery has been slow but I am getting better....The doctor told me what I was feeling would. He said to give it one to two weeks. This is week five and I have not gone back to the doctor becuse things are improving...I figured that I have abused my body for over a year now...why would it improve quickly and dramatically?? These things take time. But I REALLY feel like I am getting back to my old self and that is positive...

I was inspired by my life and times to write this piece..I dont know how it will be recieved but oh it goes

I Know (The Color of Lonely)
By: HX

I was born between
Urine and feces mistakingly.
Daddy's heartache and
Mother's joy.
4th Child blessed with vision
and destined
to be broken---
I am a constant pursuer of love
so constant
that I drown myself in the joy
of its elusivness.

I know the color of lonely---
It's all over me

My present standing
is the offspring
of consequence
and my smiles
go un-noticed
because each and every one
is preceded by a frown---
and sometimes I love being down
because in my loyalty
to my own self
it gives me a reason to complain
and when I awake from the tearstorm--
I remain.

I know the color of lonely---
It's all over me.

And still I remain...