Breathing is sometimes hard to do......

I had anticipated writing Part II of the previous post today....But I've decided to leave that stuff right where it belongs..in the past...

As I sit here at the present moment at this computer in this nicely air-conditioned office my eyes can barely stay open...not because I didn't get enough sleep (I got 9 hours)..but because my spirit is just TIRED...

The end of July is approaching and I have to vacate my apartment...My former job worked something out so that they can pay me for the month of June...but then after that I am assed out...The potential job that I had lined up fell thru..I still have not heard back from Columbia (but at this rate I am expecting a NO)...and my money is slowly but surely disappearing...

Everyone with whom I have spoken to has esentially said the same statement...*Keep ya head up...Things will get better..blah blah blah*...And in my soul of souls I really do believe that but I know as we speak the stress is taking a major toll on me..Example...Monday night I had a full on panic attack (think a less severe version of what Terri on Soul Food was experiencing as a result of her stress/anxiety) and it scared the shit out of me...YES there are folks going thru worse..MUCH worse...But it is a hell of an experience when you feel like you are not living in reality...The deamons of self doubt, fear, and shame will enable you to detach your own self from a reality that is multi-dimensional and co-sign onto an agenda of self-destruction...I see this very thing happening to my brother as we speak...And the irony is that I am the one in the family that everyone had put their confidence in but yet I am letting THIS setback begin to destroy a foundation that I have worked so hard to build and maintain. To my family I have been the ROCK. My question is "Who really gives a damn when the ROCK they knew begins to crumble; when the star they saw once now flickers with less of a gleam? What a crazy and unfair experiement life is....

I don't know where I am headed...I am just holding on for the ride...And hopefully I'll make it to the finish line.

peaceloveandeternity...

Quaheem

RECAPS AND REFLECTIONS

WOW...

What a weekend it was...so I'mma take it day by day and give you guys the skinny...

FRIDAY...

I arrived in Paterson the night before and got myself settled at moms...Woke up in da morning and got a haircut...Then made plans to meet my ex-housemate from college in the Village. I later found out it was just going to be she and I because her girlfriend had to work late..But that was kewl because I was a little bit worried about the possibility of having to go out by myself anyways....So she and I chilled around Christopher Street and checked out the piers, ejoyed the water and talked some more..And then we made out way to THE LOBBY which was interesting because I definitely saw about 5 or 6 familiar faces...ONE of those familiar faces belonged to a fellow "married" blogger that I have had a crush on for YEARS...(perhaps he knows who he is..perhaps he doesn't...it doesnt really matter)...But anyways..I enjoyed a wonderful evening with my friend (who coincidentially had to leave around 12:30 ish)..And So I stayed there until the flipped the lights on...met and danced with the cute dominican boy with a thick sexy lil accent....but OF COURSE didn't get the number because he left early...So around 4:00 I decided to take the short walk down to The Playground and check that out...interesting crowd..lots of folks..And I happen to run into someone I talked to about 2 or 3 months ago..We danced...he kissed my neck...I kept it movin..lol

And so I made it home...And then there was Saturday...

All my family from Baltimore came up for my brothers Graduation Party...Althought he only is getting is Associates degree it is still an accomplishment for him considering the struggle it took to get there. So the party went ok but it was AFTER the party that the drama commenced...

You see, my other brother is living back at home with my mother. He is what some would consider the Black Sheep of the family...Always been in trouble, been in and out of jail several times...just can't seem to get his shit together. But one thing I noticed after being around him for a significant amount of time is that he is still dealing with addiction issues. I know for sure he's an alcoholic and I am almost certain that he may be dabbing in crack cocaine because his behavior is very manic and frantic...In any event, all the family returned from the hall late Saturday evening (around 12:30 or 1:00) and my brother was just actin a damn fool...Turnin up the stereo INSANELY loud, running back and forth thru the house fantically, stomping on the floor, and just generally pissing everybody in his presence off. So I had had enough and basically told him to sit down and chill out and that opened pandora's box because he and I began to go at it....I told him that he had a serious problem, he was a coward, and he needed to be a man and check himself before he KILLS himself..HE bucked at me like he was gonna hit me and I got myself ready...Needless to say I was in tears and he was in tears and my streak of family dysfunction CONTINUES...That situation made me start thinking about the stressful situation that I am still in regarding my employment and apartment issues...This is why I tend to steer clear of my family because it is ALWAYS something...

SUNDAY...

After the mess that was Saturday night I was so ready to go back out again...I was meeting my ex-housmate again (WE'LL CALL HER CHULA) this time with her girlfriend down by Christopher Street. But before I met her I had 2 interesting encounters with people I had spoken to previously (I discuss those encounters at length in TOMORROW'S post)...But anyways..CHULA and I and CHULA's girlfriend (who also went to college with us) all decided to go get something to eat at this cute little THAI restaurant that was pretty close to Christopher Street...So they ate and I drank as I watched all the cute dudes break their necks in my direction as they walked by the window (I felt like I had it goin on for once)...And after dinner they went out to a lesbian spot and I went back to The Playground which was SO disappointing because they didnt even have enough people tthere to fill up the TOP floor and when I went downstairs to see what was poppin there was NOBODY down there...They shut it down like 3 hours early and sent everyone on their way..so as I left the club and was walking in search of some kind of food and ran across a cute group of dudes...Of course I looked breifly and kept it movin until one o fthem said "Hey Cutie, where you from?" and then the conversation between I and all 6 of them commenced...it lasted about 5 minutes and they continued on their way to the path train...As they walked away and I walked away in the opposite direction something clicked in my brain that made me realize that one of them was exceptionally attractive...So I instantly turned around in search of the Path train to try to find these dudes and get a number from the one I spotted. I asked 2 different security people in PENN STATION where to find the Path and as I approached the Path one of the dudes in the group and I crossed "paths"...I asked him where was his peoples and what was up with the one I liked in particular...He politely informed me that the one I liked had a man and blah blah blah....So to make a long story short...ANOTHER letdown/squandered opportunity....I am too damn fly for all this madness...lol

This is the condensed version of what happened this weekend...but there is MORE that I will share in PART II tomorrow.....


PEACELOVEANDETERNITY

Jersey Bound & Random Thoughts

Well....in just a couple of hours I will be back in jersey for the weekend...in the place of my birth...SILK-CITY, P-TOWN, or as everyone else would know it...PATERSON...should be interesting indeed..Most of my time will be split between Jersey and NYC...I'll have to give you all my little weekend highlights when I return on Tuesday...

But as I was brushing my teeth and getting my clothes together this morning some random thoughts popped into my head that I felt the need to share...

(1) I find it interesting that in the midst of an ILLEGAL, IMMORAL war that is sending hundreds of thousands of poor, colored folks into the cradle of death that the Black Church remains, for the most part, silent about it all but as soon as the phrase "GAY MARRIAGE" is uttered we have protests and rallies lead by the so-called MEN and WOMEN of the cloth. Score another point for Karl Rove and the true enemies of FREEDOM in Washington D.C.

(2) Anyone who says that the gay marriage issue is not a civil rights issue is deliusional. Minus the question of morality (which, in my opinion is a red herring if there ever was one) this issue is about equal protection under the laws of the land. In the civil arena, marriage is a binding contract that has it's social, political, and ecnomic benefits.I n my estimation, Anti Gay Marriage legislation is equivalent in spirit and substance to the laws prohibiting miscegenation in the pre-Civil Rights Era. DISCRIMINATION is DISCRIMINATION.

(3) In the midst of the 10th Anniversary of the Million Man March I asked myself the question about our progress as a people...I ask this question hesitantly because I do understand that our PEOPLE exist in all different shapes, forms and spheres of life. We are rich, poor and (most of us) are struggling somewhere in between. But I would ask the question; Have we, taken in our eccentric totality as a people, began to navigate our way towards a better and brighter social, political, and economic future? Are those who are endowed with the educational, financial, and political resources in our communities using those resources to help positively change the condition of our people? Are we better off than we were 10 years ago? I think it is a wonderful idea to do the march again, but Black folk cannot afford to continue to just talk about it and not be about it...We've heard all the sermons....now let's have the benediction and hit the streets...

Just some thoughts I had.....

Maybe you were thinking the same thing too....

peaceloveandeternity...

Q

Smile Please....

Man...what an UNeventful weekend...Just got my weekly haircut and chilled in the cut for the remainder of the weekend....

so for the sake of posting and keeping my mind FRESH here are just a scattered collection of my thoughts...

First...Rasheed Wallace!!!! What the FUCK were you thinking. Why would you double team Bruce Bowen and leave Robert Horry WIDE open...That play has to be one of the most idiotic defensive lapses that I can remember in the finals in a LONG LONG LONNNNNG time...Shit, I don't have to be an NBA coach to know that you play MAN-TO-MAN in that situation...I am still furious as I am writing this...BAHHHH-HUMBUG....

I am preparing to head home to Jersey this weekend for my brothers graduation party. Just so happens that NYC Pride is the very same weekend...so I will be out and about to say the least...I find it quite interesting tho that when it comes time to go out I hardly have anyone to call. I've had to come to the hard realization that I do not have any gay/bi FRIENDS. When I was thinking about why this is the case I had to REALLY go back into my memory bank and think about some things. Just about every dude that I have met in the last 5 or 6 years or so I met with perhaps the understanding or the hope that perhaps something more might come of the situation. I mean, I have even had my share of blind dates that I hoped turned out for the better (blind dates are TYPICALLY a disaster)...Usually what ends up happening is one of two things...I either end up liking them and they don't like me or they like ME and I aint feelin them. Then when the "we're not going to be lovers so let's just be friends"-thing is figured out and we ACTUALLY try being friends it just does not work. Somewhere along the way in the last year and half I realized that a relationship CANNOT and WILL NOT work if a serious friendship has not been established...So the fact that I may potentially be going out by myself this weekend is a constant reminder of just how wrong I have been about this relationship/friendship thing all along...Now I am not saying all of this to extract any sympathy or pity but I am a firm believer that God speaks to each one of us not in WORDS but thru patterns of events...The message that recieved this weekend was very clear from s/him:

CALM DOWN, SUBMIT, AND LET WHAT'S IN MY PLAN FOR YOU HAPPEN. AND KNOW THAT YOU WILL *NEVER* WALK ALONE.

I thank the Almighty everyday for the blessings that he's bestowed upon me...You'll only know you are faithful when you are able to smile when there is seemingly nothing to smile about. Today I smile...

Also I want to say thanks to the faithful readers of my little space in the blog-osphere...Your feedback gives me the extra energy/positivity that I need...

Peaceloveandeternity...

Q

P.S. To the NYC folks...I have a feeling I may run into a few familiar faces on Friday night at The Lobby...I hope you all have as good a time as I am planning on having..Life is too short to be re-living the SAME shit on DIFFERENT days...Here's a cyber-TOAST to you all in advance...

Quaheem & The Sex Quiz

In the spirit of everybody doing these sex quizzes...I thought I'd throw my hat into the ring....so here we go...

1) How would you describe your sex role? Top, Bottom, or in the middle? Middle..Everything is up for grabs and possible with me..Although I tend to lean towards being a ______ (gotta stay mysterious)

2) How old were you when you first had sex? 17...Had my first kiss and my first sexual experience all wrapped into one...

3) Was it straight or gay sex? gay

4) How long did it last? as long as it takes you to sneeze....

5) Do you remember his/her name? I sure dont

6) When was the last time you had sex? The last time I "fooled around" was almost 2 months ago...The last time I had intercourse was a year and 8 months ago...

7) Where did you have sex at? In a bedroom...lol

8) When was the best time have sex, early morning, afternoon, or late night booty call? DEFINITELY the late night booty call.....

9) What is the first thing you notice about someone you are attracted to? Facial structure and hands (particularly the fingernails and thumbs)...You MUST have clean fingernails...

10) Second thing? Physical shape....

11) Third thing? PERSONALITY!!

12) Have you ever participated in group sex (group being 4 or more) Been to a sex party before but DID NOT (I REPEAT) DID NOT participate...(That story deserves it's own seperate post)

13) When was the last time you participated in group sex? Never had group sex before...

14) Which is better, being watched during sex or watching sex? Watching..I am the ultimate vouyer....

15) Have you ever double dipped? (had sex with more than one person at separate times in one day) Almost....

16) Have you ever faked an orgasm? Men can't fake orgasms...lol

17) What is the wierdest sexual request someone has asked you to perform? Sucking toes....

18) Did you do it? Indeed I did

19) Have you ever had sex in public and where? Well I have worked it out in a car before...and then there are the movie theater excursions.....

20) What is your record number of orgasms in one day? 7

21) Would you rather have great sex with an ugly guy/gal or ok sex with a hot guy/gal? OK sex with a HOT guy at least has the possibility of turning into GREAT sex....

22) Would you ever tell a lie to have sex with someone? Why lie when you can use the truth and your charm....

23) How would you rate your sex life on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the best? 1..because it's non-existent at the moment....

24) Do you know how many sexual partners you have had sex with? Yes

25) Finally did you think about having sex after taking this quiz? Of fuckin course...!!!!

"Black America"

I was attempting to complete the poem "Punk Bitches" when I hit a little snag in my creative road. I think I got about 8 more lines out before I hit the wall. But be assured that I am still workin on it. In the meantime heres and older piece...(hopefully I can be done with this by next week sometime)...

Black America (Pimpin' & Trickin')

It's July
and blurry ghetto heat
moves along the street...
Niggaz wit cornrows
sit on dirty ass stoops
and talk bullshit about
how much pussy they been in and who's next.

Heavy bottomed girls
jump double-dutch
while gettin whipped in the face
with their own hair that cost them 150 each
and seven hours...
Tisha is the best.
Her feet bounce tribally
as the boys watch her ass from afar
and yell bittersweet 4 letter
words in her direction--sweet cuz that's the only affection she's ever known
and bitter cuz that affection led to 2 a bump & grind session without protection
and now
she's infected...

Old grey men
sit on milk crates
and hum old blues tunes
from way back when we were colored.
Tho they're happy
they never smile
cuz in their time
they heard of a boy named Till
who whistled
and smiled and...u know the rest..
So they just nod
and shake their head in disgust
at Generation X

A sophisticated Negro,
the abbreviated kind,
drives his imported car
down the concrete jungle streets
in caucasoid safari gear...
indifferent and
seemingly in fear of
the animals
in the cage
that he escaped from...
His blackness feels good
since his check
to The Urban League cleared...
Tho he's going 55 in a 35 zone
he feels the need 2 lock his doors
since these hood niggaz are known to have the superhuman
ability to teleport themselves
into your car--fuck acceleration
cuz it's a well known fact
that niggaz are genetically predisposed
to defy the laws of physics....

A storefront preacher
orders drinks at
jook joints...
1 for him
and another
4 his boyfriend
Who sits silently
in the faggot-proof pews
on Sunday morning
as the hell, fire, and brimstone
is spewed
and fat women
with intircate hats
scream HALLELUJAH
and fall out in the aisles..
Same time
Every Sunday....

Off of Main Street
in a small 1 room
section 8 apartment
A brotha beats his
baby's mama because he lost his job
and he don't know how to deal with the
rage
and she never learned that
love, love, love
don't equal a black eye..
Goodbye...

Goodbye 2 your sanity
Brown people
as you chase after that
spoiled golden egg
called the American Dream..
Flossin' wit yo chips and whips and thangs with
none of our names enscribed...
Living a dual existence
as pimp and trick--mind arrested and incarcerated--
depressed--
suppressed--
hopelessly oppressed--
and bound to die at
55
because of the stress...
Impressed?

We've been sleeping
and it's time...
We don't need a leader.
We don't need another liar disguised as the messiah.

We've been sleeping
and it's time..
It's time....
It's time 4 Black America
2 wake the FUCK up!

What a FUCKIN Weekend....

Man, Man, Man,.....

This weekend was quite interesting...Besides the anger inspiring heat there were a lot of things that went on...so where do I start?? Let's see...

Saturday I was invited to one of good friend's daughters prom afterparty...She and I were the only adults there so that made it quite interesting. I got drunk (drank about a half a bottle of bacardi) and almost got in a fight with one of those punk ass kids. I mean, the party was ending..I flipped the light on and kicked everybody out. This dude wanted to come back in and was runnin off at the mouth like he was gonna do somethin...And of course when I get drunk for some reason I am just ready to fight...so lucky for him he left peacefully..Cuz I am like James Brown.."I don't know Karate but I know Crazy."

Then I was coaxed into going to NYC for the Puerto Rican Day Parade. So picture this...I have to wake my drunk ass up at roughly 9 am after getting no sleep, take a shower so we can get to New Haven to take the train into the city. I was HURT from the night before in a major way but because she (who we will call HartfordLady) is like family to me I went. So we get to the city only to find out that we've missed the WHOLE damn parade...At this point tensions are runnin high for some of the people in the group. So HartfordLady and her daughters decide that they wanna go to Canal Street and do some shopping. Let me just say this...Canal Street has to be one of the dirtiest locations in all of New York City. I don't know if it was the rancid smells and the springtime combination of dirty water and urine, the HEAT, or my tiredness/durkeness but needless to say it was not a pleasant experience. The girls were on a mission to get the best price for some knock-off Coach bags. And I must say, the Chinese folks down there have a sophisticated operation going on. I swear HartfordLady and her daughters must have went into every secret backroom in all of Chinatown....But they got their stuff and we moved on to a more pleasant place...BBQ's. I had some more drinks and dinner and then made the spur of the moment decision not to go back to Connecticut with the group but rather to go out to Escuelita's..
Needless to say, initially HartfordLady was not pleased with that decision but eventually she came around...(I forgot for a couple of moments that I was a grown ass man. She can be very motherly with her peoples at times).

Now when I first got to Escuelita's I was wondering what I hell I was doing there. I was TIRED as hell and feelin a little bit sick from the food I ate and from the additional drinks I had. But since it was the day of the parade it was PACKED with an unusually higher number of cute people. So I just chilled in the cut, drank, got STARED at by a decent amount of people, and just vibed with the music. I know I have complained about the staring before in previous posts but I guess I can't complain that much because I aint the first to speak EVER...but as I also mentioned before, I don't stare at people. There was one cute one that I should have just spoken to cuz he was just breakin his neck to look back at me..bless his heart..But hey, PRIDE is a muthafucka.. Anyways...It ended up being a cute evening..I jumped on the 4:30 bus back to Hartford, made it home, and proceeded to sleep the day away the best that I could given the CRAZY heat...

So what did I learn from this weekend...

(1) I officially HATE Canal St.
(2) A half a bottle of Bacardi and mid 90 degree temperature do not go together
(3) Staring homosexuals in da club can be simultaneously flattering and annoying
(4) Puerto Ricans are some PROUD mofos

Life just seems to be getting more and more interesting...

peaceloveandeternity...

Quaheem

The Heat...And Me....

Well, Well, Well,....Who would think that the weather in Connecticut would be reaching 90 degrees and above for the last couple of days...

I was discussing the effects of the heat with a good friend of mine and we concluded that it makes you, #1...ANGRY as hell...#2....HORNY as hell..and #3...TIRED as hell...did I mention horny? (shit, even nice brothas like myself need some sexual healing every now and then)...I am seriously considering celibacy as an option...can you still be celibate and masturbate regularly?...lol...but anyways...

No word on the job situation but I am staying on my proverbial "knees" in prayer about it all..Somethin will come thru soon I know...Whether you believe it or not, heaven and hell exist on the same universal plane...how we choose to live determines which "camp" we live in...I decided about 3 weeks ago that I was packin up my shit and moving.....

Belated congratulations to the DETRIOT PISTONS...I was screaming at the television watching Game 7 and really thought that Miami was gonna pull it off. But championship poise and solid TEAM defense pulled through and they now move on to face Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobli in the NBA Finals. Needless to say, Detriot is going to have their work cut out for them...But they'll get the job done. Prediction: Detriot in 7 Games.

My mini-thought of the day:

Could anything be more lonely (at times) than being black, male, single, same-gender loving, and discreet? To my credit I am at a different stage of my "discreetness" than I was 6 years ago. Screening phonecalls, sneaking in through alternate entrances with my "dates", and walking down the street with my significant other about 5 to 6 feet to my left or right were all characteristics of my neurotic and paranoid behavior. Somewhere between now and then I've learned to be a LOT more comfortable in my sexuality; maybe not to the extent of a full blown "coming out" but at least I've arrived at the point where I can go out to dinner and not care if people SEE me eating with another man...WHO CARES...lol..Life is waaay to short to compromise the potential of happiness for the sake of maintaining a facade. Am I completely comfortable with it all..NO. But this is all a process. And hopefully this process will lead me into a loving, stable, long-term relationship. But, for the record...the kid aint holdin his breath...So until then I am single to mingle...

Stay cool people....

peaceloveandeternity..

Quaheem

A Case of the Mondays

Well hello people...

What an uneventful weekend it was...

Who thought it could get that hot in Connecticut? And of course my fan is broken and I have no AC...So That means to stay cool I drank cold, RED, Kool-Aid all weekend and fanned myself with anything that could produce some semi-strong "wind action"...

So I am sitting here at the moment at my NON-job with a case of the Mondays. Wondering when the hell any of the "Irons in the Fire" that I have will come to fruition. Working in higher education (specifically in a mid level, student affairs position) can be, at times, a fickle business. Hopefully this one option that I have, which would include an apartment will come thru for me. If it does it means that I would have to make a big move to Worchester, Massachussetts *jumps for joy facetiously*...It is truly rough when you have so many elements in your life that are competing to take your joy away. But I cannot, will not, and should not let them win...

Also I am gettin a bit nervous because the big NYC shindig is coming up at the end of June and how fucked up would that be to miss my usual wildin' out in da club because of my employment status...so in other words..Baby boy must get on da grind (not that I ain't on it already)...but you know what I mean. All this struggle will be worth it when I recieve my first Grammy, my book is a number one NY Times Best Seller, and I recieve tenure at Yale...*smiles*..this is nothing more than a divine test for me; and at the moment I feel like I am passing with about a C+ (in other words I can do much much better)...

Before I end this entry I gotta give a shout out to a certain brotha in the District of Columbia who has been very supportive, understanding, non-judgemental, and just flat out wonderful. We'll call him DCHOMIE. Thank you for being a listening ear when I felt like nobody else has been listening...Just when you think there aren't any good brothas left you go and prove me wrong..THANKS for da support...

Anyways, Look out for part 2 of "Punk Bitches" (I just love saying that phrase...lol) sometime this week...

until then..

peaceloveandeternity,

Quaheem..

P.S. Since music is my first, TRUE love here are some of my favorite albums you should really check out (if you havent already)...

Prince--"Sign O' The Times"-- Most critics and hardcore fans (including myself) alike would agree that this is his seminal masterpiece, his tour de force, his artistic peak. The record is dark, moody, sexy, soulful, and just rocks all the way thru. it also includes one of the greatest love songs EVER.."Adore"..

Terence Trent D'Arby--"The Hardline According to Terence Trent D'Arby"-- Think Prince meets Sam Cooke meets Micael Jackson. This is, in my opinion one of the best debut albums by a R&B/Soul artist ever. Check out "Wishing Well" (which was the biggest hit off the album) and "Sign Your Name." NOBODY in the modern R&B era sings quite like him. He swings from a Raspy tenor to a soaring falsetto with such ease and class. Truly a genius.

Donny Hathaway--"Extension of a Man"-- This is Donny's greatest piece of work. PERIOD. The songs speak for themselves; "Someday We'll All Be Free", "I Love You More Than You'll Ever Know", "I Know It's You"...Besides Marvin Gaye and Al Green, probably one of the most emotive soul singers EVER. You cannot TRULY call yourself a fan of R&B/SOUL music and NOT own this album.

Lauryn Hill--Unplugged 2.0--Yes, yes, yes...I know. There has been much debate about this album. Either you LOVE IT or you HATE IT. Yes I also know that she only really plays 3 chords over and over again. But this album doesn't win "musically" per se, but it is the bone chilling lyrics that will knock you out. Listen to the album's standout tracks "Mr. Intentional", "Freedom Time", and "The Mystery of Iniquity" and you'll understand just how super-bad Ms. Hill REALLY is. ENOUGH SAID.

Rick James--Street Songs: Deluxe Edition--Before Dave Chappelle ever uttered the now infamously funny/annoying catchphrase "I'm Rick James Bitch" there was the GENIUS of Rick James. It is a shame that to most folks Rick's music is defined by just one song; SUPERFREAK. But you ought to pick up this Deluxe Edition of Rick's greatest album; Street Songs. From "Give It To Me Baby" and "Ghetto Life" to "Superfreak" and "Fire & Desire" this album established Rick as a genius in his own right. And the deluxe edition has the only released LIVE album of Rick's career. As one author so eloquently put it; "Rick was the bridge between P-Funk and Prince." There might not have been "Purple Rain" as we know it if it had not been for Rick's presence. We miss you Rick.

That's enough for now...enjoy ya Monday...

Soul-LESS in '05...Where has it gone???

I walked to the office this morning with Ray Charles in my CD player and it made me begin to really assess the state of BLACK MUSIC...particularly our great cultural tradition of SOUL music...What is Soul music you might ask?? Soul music has its most obvious roots in the Black Church and more specifically gospel music. Some of the greatest soul singers/musicians honed their musical chops in the black church. Marvin Gaye's father was a Pentecostal preacher (and also interestingly enough a cross dresser). Reverend C.L. Franklin was renowned as being a preacher's preacher and was also the great Aretha Franklin's father. One could list numerous other Soul legends that started off in the church. For a people who had (and continue to) be denied equal access to public resources (more specifically education) the Church was the only place to get the "training" to be a singer/musician. No conservatories...No fancy private instruction...Just an "A" and "B" selection on Sunday morning.

When talking about Gospel music we also must acknowledge its roots in one of the greatest American folk traditions...The Blues. The blues was and is the darker side of the conscience of Black America. If gospel reflected the hope and aspirations of a people in misery the blues reflected that misery in its purest and most beautiful form. It was sex and drugs before there was "Rock N' Roll". Those were the records that Marvin, Aretha, Al, Sam, and Otis put on after they came from church. It was and is as organic an artform as there could be... Somewhere along the line, in the early to mid 50's, Gospel and Blues had a baby...And the soul singer as we know it was born. It is a peculiar and interesting balance between the two genres. The vocal touches and musical arrangements were clearly church-inspired yet the content reflected the "street" sensibility of the blues. The "Gods" and "Jesuses" became "girls" and "baby’s." But the organic nature of it all kept the resulting product, above all things, REAL and SOULFUL. In the mid to late 60's we saw two particular giants of black music take this soul in a different direction. James Brown gave the world the first hints of what would become "funk" music. Most of James' compositions resulted from impromptu jam sessions. The center of it all for James was the rhythm. Guitar, Drums, Bass, and one kiss-ass horn section created simplistically complex soundscapes that could make a corpse get up and dance. And then there was Sly and The Family Stone. Sly was James' dirtier musical brother. The arrangements were choppy, the vocals were garbled and mumbled yet soulful, and the band reflected an ideal of racial equality that America THEN and NOW could not realize. Before there could be a Prince in all of his purple majesty and weirdness there had to be a James and more importantly a Sly. Funk was still SOULFUL music in that it is and was organic in nature; it was a collection of musicians playing instruments. It was LIVE, REAL, and RAW. No two live performances of the SAME song were exactly the same. The difference between Soul music and Funk in my estimation lies in Funk's de-emphasis on the vocal. James' or Sly's vocals stand only as accessories to the music and not as the central emotive instrument. When you listen to "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" or "Sex Machine" or "Everyday People" it's the arrangements that stand out more prominently than the actually vocal performances. The bass line or rhythm guitar could give you the same sense of yearning or excitement as a vocal run. Funk is and was truly egalitarian in nature.

Skipping ahead a bit....Funk gave birth to Hip Hop; the last great American musical folk tradition. Young kids in the inner cities who could not afford instruments or lessons and were not as connected to the Black Church as the previous generation found their savior in two turntables, some funk records, and a microphone...and with that great breakthrough began a new culture that would affect billions and billions of people. Just like the Blues, rap was and is (in some cases today...but that is for another essay) the truest reflection of the social condition(s) of a people who still continue to be haunted by the legacies of slavery and Jim Crow. What the world gained in a new expression of a social conscience Soul music lost in rawness and energy. Musicians and large bands were slowly but surely phased out in favor of producers with computers who could create pitch perfect sounds and a fraction of the cost. In the music industry's never ending quest to make more money the true essence of SOUL had and has been lost. Soul is about perfecting an imperfect process. It is about letting the vocal go where it WANTS to go (even if it perhaps slides a fraction off pitch or key). It is about letting the band explore some of the space in between notes. It is about free expression. But in this age of mass production what we are now sold to be SOULFUL is choreographed and Pro-tooled to such an extreme extent that the resulting product is an expressionless, emotionless, inanimate musical object. Want further evidence?? Play Al Green's "Simply Beautiful" and Mariah Carey's "We Belong Together" back to back. Enough said.

To be fair there are some artists who are holding steadfast to the SOUL tradition. D'angelo (learned to play in the church), Maxwell, Bilal, Frank McComb, Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, Amel Larrieux, India Arie, Common Sense, Kanye West, and John Legend amongst numerous others who in some form or another understand that the essence of SOUL is in PERFECTING the art of imperfection. Making progress sometimes has more to do with looking back and reconnecting with tradition. Black people have been the conscience of this country since its inception. We cannot afford to let capitalism and greed silence it...Give me SOUL or give me death...

Punk Bitches.....

Hello All....Well I must say that my commitment to this blog has actually re-fueled my artsitic proclivities...I hadn't written in months...Hadn't performed at any open mics in almost a year and a half...But suddenly the bug came back to me..So I've decided to share a WORK-IN PROGRESS with you all..(In other words that means it is not DONE yet and as I write it I will share it piece by piece)


"Punk Bitches"

Punk Bitches
get beat down
tryin to step up
and wear their crown.
Du rags and Timbs,
multiple colors.
2 them we're just faggots wit
multiple lovers...
We throw up
limp wrists
instead of fists
when the Revolution comes...
And yeah,
some of us got girls and sons
cuz we're afraid of the fire
from a burnin' chi-chi mon..
Cuz Punk Bitches
get beat down
tryin' to step up
and wear their crown...

We're crucified on fences
while politicians
relentless---ly
put up their defenses
by using
perverted
and inverted
versions of God's 'Law'...

Well that is all I got for now....But check back for part 2.....

peaceloveandeternity,

Quaheem

Do You Dream In Color???

Well...I promised I was going to explain the job situation thang..so here it be..In a nutshell...

Upon graduating from college a position was created for me by the THEN President of the college. A "Post-Graduate Fellowship" in the Office of Multicultural Affairs. The position would give me pay, housing, and free graduate courses (which I later decided not to take cuz the program here is WEAK). The position was supposed to last a year. So last year around this time I was scrambling trying to get a reappointment which I did. So now it's the end of the year, my appointment expired on May 31st (which for you CHALLENGED individuals was yesterday) and I am out of a job because of the fiscal crisis that our institution has had the last year. As a response, instead of firing people, they decided to make large cuts across departments and not renew any position(s) that had "expiration dates" on them, which unfortunately included MINE. Now, in the midst of worrying about my position the last couple of months I decided to apply to Grad Schools. But alas, I went about the whole process wrong...I applied directly to Ph.D programs (as a student only with a bachelor's degree) in sociology/african-american studies...And as you can probably guess I didn’t get into ANY program (I wish someone would have explained to me that perhaps a better route would have been getting a masters first and sharpening up my credentials.) So my options are thin and clear now...NO JOB, NO GRADUATE PROGRAM TO RETREAT TO...So I remain in the job hunt (luckily I can keep my apartment until the first week in August) and also I am waiting to hear back from Columbia University; I submitted an application for their M.A. program in African-American Studies...so I am hopeful...Needless to say, you can really find out a lot about the state of your mental, spiritual, and emotional being when every door you try to pass thru is suddenly and cold-heartedly slammed in your face... And what I did discover is that I have a hell of a lot of work to do to get to the emotional place that I want to be...A wise person once told me that if they put Jesus on the cross then what in the HELL is going to happen to us in life. Being in professional purgatory is a TOUGH cross to bear and I feel like I am barely equipped to absorb it all...But this is an ongoing saga...so I will keep you posted....I just know one thing is true..The more I dream in color the better I feel.

In light of these interesting developments it would be safe to say that a brotha needs a vacation...I mean, nuthin would thrill me more to be a nice warm, breezy climate with a drink in my hand and perhaps some wonderful, masculine, semi-sweet chocolate, visual masterpiece to take me away (like Calgon) from my worries. I particularly find the brothas in New Orleans (and the south in general) to be a lot less self-centric in their attitudes/demeanors. The last time I was in Nawlins (smiles) I managed to stumble my way to the "other" side of Bourbon Street in a drunken haze...I didn't know that it was the Gay side. So as I am walking a kind gentleman with about 3 teeth in his mouth flags me down and asks me what was I doing on this side of Bourbon. I looked at him and said, "What do you think?" He smiled. Then I asked him if he knew of any clubs I could go to in the area....He kindly escorted me to a place about a block ahead ( a little hole in the wall place). As I walked in, heads turned...necks broke..and for the first time EVER I really felt somewhat attractive. A kind gentleman bought me a drink and wanted nothing in return. Yes!!! It was a small percentage of chivalry and it felt good; even if the intention was to bed me down which was not going to happen. The night ended and I felt a sense of relief. Why? well when you are born and raised in NY/NJ one tends to think of themselves as the GRAND MARSHALLS of all things cultural, social, and perhaps even political. I mean, there is a strong argument for calling NYC the cultural capital of the world. But to see people do things differently and perhaps even with more of a moral standing is indeed refreshing and shocking...

Bottom line is...I LOVE THE SOUTH.

Anyways, time for me to get back to my non-job..**shakes head** Till lata..

peaceloveandeternity,

Quaheem